The Crimson Wars : Chapter 2 - Tapper
Kneeled over in the alley, the footsteps seemed as though they were miles away. They were light, and carried with a feeling of grace. The simple aura of this figure behind me was so overpowering, I could sense it without even looking at the source. Then, it spoke.
"Damn. He got away."
My head reacted to the voice by turning quickly to its direction. There, a girl stood in the entrance of the alleyway. She was tall for a girl, with long limbs and defined curves that could even be seen through the informal and baggy clothes she was wearing. Though she looked to be asian, her eyes were far too light for that. Perhaps she was wearing contacts? She had the type of eyes that could look through someone's soul, ones that most people would say were beautiful, or charismatic. Her dark hair was placed neatly one her head, with straight bangs that were placed to one side, and long locks of hair that curled at the end for the side and back.
"Oh?", she finally notices me. "You must be very confused right now. I guess any human would be if they were confronted by that man."
"Wh--!"
"Be quiet. I'll explain to you what's going on", The girl takes a long breath, and drops her joking attitude.
"Basically, you've been caught up in a war, human."
"A--War...?", I manage to pull something out of my mouth.
"Yeah, a war, between creatures called 'tappers'. Heretics---Creatures who live by stealing the life of others."
"Stealing the life of others? Like vampires?", at this, the girl flinches.
"That's only one type of tapper." Does this girl think I'm stupid or something? Vampires don't exist. They can't exist.
"Are you some kind of crazy Role-Player or something? In case you haven't noticed, this is REAL LIFE. You know? No vampires." I wiggle my fingers in front of her to emphasize my point.
"Silence.", she says this in such a harsh, demanding voice, I clam up immediately. "Listen to me when I speak."
She sighs.
"As I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me, vampires are only one type of tapper. The other, not known by many people, are called the Jiangshi."
"Jiangshi? What is that, an asian vampire?", I joke.
"Huh, you got one right.", she said with a surprised look on her face.
"....", she's joking right? "So, you're saying, that there are asian vampires, that, like, drink blood and stuff?"
"No. The Jiangshi are different. While the vampires, the western tappers, steal blood, we Jiangshi, the Eastern tappers, steal qi."
"Qi?" I think this girls going a little too ninja on me.
"Life force. I thought all you westerners were fanatics of martial arts bullshit and other crap like that."
"No, no, just the weirdos."
The girl takes a long pause, as if deep in thought. Then, she speaks again.
"Anyways. The two tapper clans are clashed in a war. So far, the war has lasted twelve years, and it seems as though it will never end. From what we've seen, it seems Vladimir Tepes IV purposefully let you see him feed. We don't really know what he's thinking, but he's probably trying to get you to tip the scales in the favor of vampires."
"But, if I'm a human, what could I possibly do to 'tip the scales' at all? Aren't vampires supposed to be like completely superior, like in the movies?"
"You could say so, but only in terms of raw power. Humans have something completely unique to them."
"And what would THAT be?" I ask.
"That, I can't tell you."
"....Huh. Are you sure you're not actually thinking, 'Well we don't really know why he's taken an interest in the boy, so we'll spit some BS to make him come to us, and let us get the upper hand'?". I tended to be pretty good at guessing these things.
"Th-that's..." I hit the nail on the head.
"You know it's not a bad thing to be more truthful about things. It's not like I have a choice to run and live. I'm sure you 'heretics', was it? Have more than the necessary means to chase me down."
I could see a vein popping out of her forehead, and her face turn absolutely florid.
"Do not mock me, human! I will rip you limb from limb!", she shouted.
She doesn't seem like she's joking, so I'll stop. Maybe back away slowly too. Yeah... that's it.
"Alright, I'm sorry."
She looks down at me and grumbles before continuing.
"Since when did humans gain this much audacity? Anyways. Pretty much what you said is the truth. We don't really know why the vampires are trying to take a human, but it's better to be safe than sorry, so we're basically trying to take you into custody. For safety reasons."
"You mean your safety."
"Well, if you come with us quietly, we'll keep you safe from the vampires."
"And if I refuse?" I ask.
"Well then we'll have to consult with the old man. Which means you could end up anywhere from being imprisoned to being a bloody mess on sidewalk. Personally, I think coming without question would be a better idea."
"Huh."
The feeling of nausea had disappeared by now, and I could think carefully about my choices. In any case, going back to a normal life is out of the question.
As I mused to myself, my eyes wandered to the girl beside me. If you got past that part where she scared the crap out of you, she was pretty enough to make most guys stare with drool hanging off the end of their mouths. I wasn't an exception. She must've noticed it, because she turned and met her eyes with mine.
"What do you want?", she asked sharply.
"Oh, it's jus-I mean, nothing. Nothing at all." I try to play it off cool by pretending nothing happened.
"Anyways, have you decided yet, human?" she says, obviously irritated.
"Well, despite the fact that both of you have offered me to join you, and that both of you have also threatened to kill me... I think I'll go with you guys... what was it again, 'Jiangshi'? At least you guys sent a pretty girl as the messenger." I grin widely as I decide jokingly. If I'm going to have to end up giving up my normal life, I might as well join the more interesting group of people.
"Y-You've made a wise choice.", said the girl as she blushed furiously, "Now, come. I've got things to show you."
After she walked a few steps, she turned on her heels and made a face like she remembered something.
"Risa."
"What?"
"My name. It's Risa." As she said this, a gentle smile formed on the corners of her lips.
"Jin."

Comments:
 
jheld   jheld wrote
on 12/8/2010 2:58:08 PM
"Oh?", she finally notices me. "You must be very confused right now. I guess any human would be if they were confronted by that man." "Wh--!" "Be quiet. I'll explain to you what's going on", The girl takes a long breath, and drops her joking attitude. Here you are doing a lot of telling. The reader wants showing. And so does an agent or publisher. Your writing will improve by leagues if you get more into the character. And it's funny because this is first person! "Silence.", she says this in such a harsh, demanding voice, I clam up immediately. "Listen to me when I speak." --Same thing here. "Oh, it's jus-I mean, nothing. Nothing at all." I try to play it off cool by pretending nothing happened. --And here. There are more examples of this, but these are some of the more obvious ones. Hopefully they do the trick. So, improvements would follow the thread of getting more into the scene. Show us what's going on and the emotions around. It's more difficult, but it will make the story so much better. The good: you have a story. So many people don't. And you have some interesting characters, although Risa seems a bit cliche. We shall see.

Highsmyth   Highsmyth wrote
on 12/30/2009 8:24:46 AM
Hahaha! I like the humor in this! "Asian vampires" and "ninjas and crap like that"! Nice one! Sounds interesting!

zinzzaro   zinzzaro wrote
on 1/20/2009 6:14:08 PM
Thanks, I'll keep the backstory thing in mind.

Moonrose   Moonrose wrote
on 1/20/2009 1:07:29 PM
Okay, I know your character's a guy now... I love this dude! He's funny! You know, I was thinking... what would you think about adding a little on in the beginning of the story? Like, showing what this guy's life was like as a normal kid, what his name is, his age? Was he a misfit, a perfectly normal kid, or someone destined for great things? Just a thought. You are doing so great with this story, and you can make it even better by adding those details that make it seem so complete, so real. Like icing on the cake, you know? SapphireCat's right, the plot is splendid. I can't wait to see what else you come up with for this; I'll definitely be reading anything else you post!

SapphireCat   SapphireCat wrote
on 1/20/2009 12:56:23 PM
I love your plot so far. Vampires rule! And great writing, by the way.

zinzzaro
Novel / Novella
Super-natural
writing zinzzaro
Dananana
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