Denial and desire

            Without phone call or preamble, she walked into my bedroom, all statuesque, brunette, and piercing hazel eyes with an intent that only my most private dreams know I share. She's been gone for so long I had forgotten the way she makes me feel. Seeing her brought it all back, the fever, the sweat, the light headed sway, and the shortness of breath all came back in one blood rushing shot. In her absence these ailments were dormant but in her presence they are undeniable. These ailments combine into an L-word that is too taboo for me to speak aloud.

            I'm hesitant to surrender my will to my desire. I have built a wall of ice, strength and reserve that I can't, I won't allow her to get past. As her hazel eyes approach me, her perfectly glossed pink lips part revealing a cavern of mystery and the possibility of great pleasure. I haven't heard her voice in ages, "I came back for you. I'm here for you now."

            And in hearing that a part of my wall melts, and I want to surrender, I want to give in and release what burns inside. But I can't. I'm afraid of something, or I think the worst will happen if I let go. I wonder, what's really stopping me?

            Her hand reaches for mine and I take three steps back. Her eyes squint with contempt and as if she had just read my mind she asks, "What's stopping you?"

            I tried to speak but words felt so pointless, so insincere.

            She moved closer, yet again I step back. And in my mind's eye, I know that a hard—a very hard—wall is less than one step away. My eyes cut to the left towards the window and escape. Her approach stops short and I begin a frantic search for words to make it start again. Why did she stop?

            "Lie to me," she says as a spiteful command.

            What? I think the question but say nothing. Thousands of words scroll by but none manage to escape. What does she want to hear?

            "Tell me you don't want me. Say it and this stops. I leave and never come back."

            Can I lie to her and tell her to never come back. Can I live with myself after acting on such deceit? Only seconds pass, but the silence and her stare create an eternity that wrecks my calm.

            "You only have to lie to me for a few seconds but you can't lie to your self forever,"

            Forever is a long time to be in denial. Forever is along time to regret, and forever is a long time to regret denying my self an experience I truly want.  Forever is too long to live in fear. I had taken my eyes off her but for a moment and she was within arm's length. Her hand reached for mine again; this time instead of running I defensively grab her wrist. She pulls away but I hold her too tightly. With a strong yank I pull her into my chest and spin us around so the wall is no longer behind me.

            She doesn't flinch and she doesn't shy away. And I realize that wall I had built to protect myself didn't keep her out after all. Nor did it protect me from my fears. The wall was a cage that confined me. And if I was still a prisoner, I'd never have her chest touching mine and I'd never see her hazel eyes staring up at me, and regardless of what tragedy befalls me, I would not give up either memory. Before I cover her lips with mine I see the smile begin to cross her face. Her smile makes my heart smile and forever doesn't last long enough to feel this good


Comments:
 
danicpa68   danicpa68 wrote
on 6/13/2009 6:14:24 PM
I love the expression of passion here. The longing, the fear. It is very well done.

zachoryty2008
Short Story
Romance
writing zachoryty2008
Just a few words....
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