New Beginnings for Me in North Carolina

I am so, so happy to have a few people in my life who are truly there for me and my current situation and helping me embrace it and capture all the wonderful moments within my lifetime.  Ever since Monty I had this amazing gift of an amazing human being that's now no longer within my physical grasp.  In some ways I'm not really sure what to do about it, or how I feel about it either.  Sometimes I'm frozen and lost in times, other times I'm asked if "I miss him" and I pause because I'm unsure of how to respond.  It's so much more than that, but at the same time he's always here.  I wake up every morning to him and every night it's like I'm asleep with him.  Sometimes I'm afraid, sometimes I'm sad, and other times I am happy.

Today my television turned on all by itself, which is strange.  I went and fed my horses and I went into the barn & put Chanel out and I came back in and I left the side door open and it shut by itself.  It slammed shut and closed, and there was no wind.  There's so much weight on the roof that it's almost impossible to shut that door by itself.  It was very strange.  Chanel was acting overly weird as well and running around like a crazy horse and flopping her lip at me.  She was actually quite polite and didn't even put her ears back at me or bite me like she normally does after I don't kiss up to her after 2 days.  Strange things happen.

My friend finally called me back, he was in a field playing with his dogs by his house by the lake he just bought.

"Another house Daniel really?  I thought you already had like 4 or something..."
"It's just me & the dog and the dog likes to swim.  So I bought myself a boat, and a house on the lake.  I don't like to fish but that way when he gets tired he can jump in the boat." 

It's almost like it's an every day occurrence.  Huh.  It must be nice.

It was nerve-wracking, lots of awkward pauses, questions never asked but at the same time still inquired about.  The unwanted question about "Who's coming with you, you mean you're alone?"

"Well who else do I have?  It's just the dogs and me.  Tracer's too big to fit in the car so it's just Ghazi & me after my dad goes home."

"But I thought...'

Well I guess things have changed.  There's so many things to say, so many things have happened to us since we last spoke.  I was a vibrant, most likely bi polar child that was vegan and made my own clothing for some odd reason.  I was amazingly talented with my horses, and already a published poetry writer when I was 15, though I don't remember by who or what was written.  I think that's when I skipped a grade in high school as well...

I wonder if I'm the same.  I don't think I am, I think I'm quite different.  Things are changing, I'm much more grown up now.  I don't dress weird, I don't run 10 miles a day in the mountains like I used to, I've lost about 20 pounds of muscle and my hair's a different color...oh I don't know what all.

I'm excited.  Scared.  Happy.  If just to know that there's someone who will sit and listen to my story openly and compassionately, maybe understand or maybe not; perhaps accept me for who I am or be angry or disappointed in me.  I don't really care anymore.  It wasn't really "me" who screwed up, not all of it was my fault, a lot of it was just life in general.  Almost everything will be like new again, I don't remember anything; I hope he doesn't either in a way. 

He'll be busy for the most part but yet there's still so much to do.  I'll have a photographer and her partner to hang with, goats to play with, Ghazi and I can go hiking or bark at chickens...maybe he'll meet Daniel's rottweilers too.  I'm  looking forward to spending time doing some photography and some writing, away from the internet and my xbox (until the weather gets crappy).  Places to go; a few people to see; lots of Ramen noodles to eat lol cuz I'll be poor.

I'm excited to meet Daniel's National Show Horse and do some riding, even if it's that boring "trail riding" stuff.  I need to get rid of that competitive edge once in a while, and the frustration that comes with it.  Strange that he owns a NSH now, I mean seriously how many people buy a breed like that.  Oh yeah.  I train National Show Horses for a "living."  How strange. 

I'm looking forward to taking some portraits of him, because I've never done portraits of people let alone with an animal before.  I don't have to worry about advances and I am so grateful for that.  It's nice to have a couple of men who understand my situation and don't complicate things physically or emotionally.

Sometimes I wonder when I'll be ready.  If I'll ever be ready.  I can't replace someone so imperfectly perfect for me and someone so loving and so special.  Maybe it will be a man or maybe a woman, or maybe it will just continue to be Tracer though he doesn't quite fill that little spot in my soul that's broken right now. 

I'm not looking and I'm not wanting, but sometimes I still wonder when he'll come back to me and not just as that wonderful being that surrounds my every movement, wish, and thought and feeling.  Someone to laugh with again; sigh with again; kiss with again and hold and tell me we're a fate that we've been waiting for all our many lives in this world.

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writing tigercatracing
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
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A Word from the Writer
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