"Love" Definititon
......I am not in love. 

I love the Valedictorian of Cornell University's Equine Veterinary program.  I may never see her again, most likely will never but that does not change the fact that I can close my eyes and still taste the refreshing citrus scent on her corkscrew red hair.  I remember time standing still in her eyes and the way her stomach flattened with tense emotion as I reluctantly hugged her good bye and stopped myself  from trying to squeeze the life out of her just so I could keep her near me longer.  If I am ever to see her again the moment I see her it will be the same.  I will once again taste the scent of her hair without kissing it and see time stand still in her grey eyes, just in a different way. 

I will not run off with her if the opportunity arises, I most likely will not profess my eternal undying love for her as well...because we both know it is true.  Our feelings are immortal, they are part of who we are, our souls if you will.  They will never disappear, they will never degrade into nothingness with every new waking moment that comes along. 

I may not remember what she looks like a few years from now, or her voice, or any of our previous memories we shared together; I will remember how I feel though when I look into her eyes, or imagine myself lost in those eyes.  I remember my heart breaking and crying as I sat on the steps outside the hospital looking up at the stars secretly hoping she'd lose her scholarship and have to stay with me until she finds another school to run off to.  I remember reaching toward her to kiss her, to touch her, to ANYTHING in room 117 of the Comfort Inn in Minocqua only to say "I'm tired" and quickly turn and rush out the door before I lost it.  I remember that fuzzy, burning sensation that often kept me up nights as I slept on her couch in her living room because I respected her too much to spend the night beside her.  I don't remember my memories well but I do remember that.  My first real eternally devoted love for another human being I would die for without a second guess.

I'm a hypocrite.  I've been saying the words "I will never get married" since I was approximately 13 years old, if not younger.  Truth is, I have been married before.  I was married once.  I was married for 17 days, or technically only 15 hours and 24 minutes if you really want to get specific to after "the question" was asked.  I was not given a diamond ring, I didn't have a wedding, I didn't even hear the words "I love you" more than maybe 3 times.  The only thing ever really shared in common with the term marriage was something that is most often overlooked in today's society.  I had a sexual relationship with this person.  I didn't have to speak or hear words, I could just close my eyes and be on the opposite end of the room and just feel the wonderful animation flowing through my body of what this man made me feel.  It was exceptional and perfect and eternal.  This was my first experience of an undying totally devoted love to someone other than an animal or a human of the female gender. 

Once again I don't remember much of the memories I shared with him.  The only common traits between the two experiences were the color of their eyes and hair.  They were different genders, different races, totally opposite in age, and everything else.  Jennifer made me feel confident, accepted, totally in control, and gave me this wonderful feeling that all I had to do was sit next to her and close my eyes and I could just get lost in it until something forced me back. 

Monty made me feel vulnerable, passionate, giggly, afraid, and down right selfish.  I wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him.  I wanted to memorize every freckle on his shoulders and every wrinkle on his forhead and find all those white hairs he pretended didn't exist in that fluffy red hair of his...Most of all I just wanted to lock myself in an airtight room with him, lacking any light or any possiblity of escape because I was just so damn terrified that one day I would wake up from this wonderful fairytale.  I'd yawn, roll over and feel for that warm fuzzy feeling and those incompetent kisses and open my eyes and everything would be gone. 

One day I fell asleep to the words, "We're polar opposites on a lot of things, and I want to commit to you but I don't know how to do that but we just have to take it day by day.  I'm happy when you're here and I want you here with me and that's what makes it so hard but I love you and I'm your friend..." and I woke up to a bright new cheery day of knowing for the first time in my life that someone wanted to be my "friend."  I finally let someone lock me up & stick me in a cage on their shelf for fear that if they let me out I might run away screaming that my happiness was just too happy for comfort for me.

I pushed my send button on my phone at 1:19 that day and a minute later it went to a voicemail box.  I didn't leave a message I just drove off picturing Monty yelling at Mr. Willy B Fabulous in his gruff feisty voice saying "Get that out of your mouth Willy!"  I had this stupid grin on my face and a pain in my heart that hurt just too much to be a bad thing.  Little did I know it was really because all that love that was once in his soul for me somehow found its way 200 miles north before it could be lost in the rest of the world's sense of mortality. 

I am not in love.  I will never be in love, I refuse to be "in love" with someone.  All I want is the ability to actively love someone.  I don't want love definition: "intense emotional attachment."  I don't actively love many people.  Love for me is not the standard definition of the word:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Etc, Etc. Or any of that other nonsense.  Love for me is a synonym for the word respect, specifically as a verb.  This is my definition for the word love in bold print particularly:

  1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
  2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
  3. To relate or refer to; concern.
  1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
  2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
  3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
I refuse to EVER be in love.  But I will never STOP loving anyone who is worthy of the respect it takes to earn such an emotion out of me.  My love is eternal and everyone who I love stays with me and that love stays with them for as long as my body is on this earth and until my soul reaches Nirvana.  So if I say that I love someone it has nothing to do with sexual interests, commitment, physical yearnings, being depressed or feeling secluded. 

I could be a million miles away or on another planet and still love Monty, or Jennifer, or Tracer or Hera or Lyric...my respect for their morality will always be the same.  I don't need visual, or physical stimuli to be reminded that there is something inside me that is far deeper and far more important than any of us can put a definition on.

Who needs a lover when I can have a friend I truly love?

jedieh04   jedieh04 wrote
on 4/8/2009 5:38:00 PM
wowoow you're a great writer.. keep it up! talk to you soon. Bye.

StarPoet   StarPoet wrote
on 3/15/2009 1:27:47 AM
I like your perspectives. Different yet introspective. I see the deep love you have and you shared and you still have to share.

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I wrote this in response to another person's point of view on being "in love" and that is impossible for me to move on with my life unless I "fall out of love" with anyone I have previously been in love with. I enjoyed writing it, just thought I would share :)
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