17 Days

For "Mr. Wallen, Sir" (I mean "Mr. Monty Sir")

November 19,2008

There's no way to describe how I'm feeling now
Just that my heart is broken
I wake up every hour and look over
Hoping it's all just a bad dream and maybe you're still there
Telling me you're happy

Every time I breathe it hurts
But not the same kind of ache I first felt
I wish there was something I could do to make this different
But everything goes over in my mind the same
You knew this couldn't last forever
And you told me every day
I guess maybe I hoped that you were wrong
If there was a god he loved me.

I throw up; I grind my teeth
I toss and turn cause you're not here
There's so much I wanted to say
So much I wanted to learn
That I could learn
From you

Everyone will know
I know it was your fear, but I'm not ashamed
They'll see my pictures on your wall
All the letters and maybe that earring on the floor
I lost the first time I found out how much you loved me

I hope before you died you got the mail
And opened my letter I sent you
So you knew how much I loved you
But that no matter what I didn't need you
I know I still don't but god I wish I did

You say I make you happy more than you've been in a while
That every time I left part of you was lost
You didn't know you ever had
Maybe they saw you as fun and colorful and talented
But I knew you as passionate and complex and intimate
I close my eyes and I can still feel you touch me.

In only 17 days you made my life complete
Full of passion, patience, and understanding
That only you could give.
In a year and 12 days you've changed me
You said I was special
Every single day "God led me to you, you're special."
I didn't want to believe you
For me it must have been the same.

I want you to know every day I thank you
For teaching me how to feel, all these wonderful emotions
And all the energy and life you gave me
Maybe it was exchange for your own, I don't know
You're right our moments were just temporary I must cherish them
As I know you will every second, every minute, and every day that we're apart

My heart is broken, it may never be complete without you.
You and I, we were a team.
Maybe we still are or maybe it's just me
I love you, I love you, I love you
I will always be your good friend.

I can't believe in only 17 days I could love someone so much
As I will you for as long as I'm here without you
I just close my eyes and wrap my arms around you
Your memory's still here.


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"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
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A Word from the Writer
This was written the morning after I found out that my, as he would refer to himself as, "significant other" had passed. The night before he attempted to ask me to marry him but said he had some things to work through in his mind about us before he could properly commit to me. I never had the chance to say yes, but instead I just said that "I am happy to be who I am with you and that means whatever it means." I think he knew to both of us that meant yes though, and he's happy because he told me once a long time ago he'd like to get married to someone before he dies, I just never knew it was me he meant. "I'm happy when you're here. That's all that matters. I love you; I'll work it out in my own mind, we just have to take it day by day. I'll see you soon, goodnight my dear." ~Monty's last words to me.
Published Date
1/1/2009 12:00:00 AM
Published In
All Things Girl~ www.allthingsgirl.net
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