Scientist Discovers Fourth Brain
The election season is well underway, and this will be a particularly interesting circus to watch. We have a ringside seat as the candidates fight among themselves for the privilege of waddling up to the public trough and doing their part to waste enormous sums of ill-gotten money.

Oh sure, we get the usual promises of new roads going nowhere, harebrained job programs, health insurance scams, three-sheets-to-the-wind, full-steam ahead growth and all manner of pinheaded programs conceived by cretins and doomed to failure. There is no doubt that as the campaign dust settles, our grease-painted, rubber-nosed elected officials will provide the type of oafish entertainment we’ve come to expect whenever the budgetary cookie jar is descended upon by a new gang of jackals.

BUT WAIT! IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT!

Our elected officials are driven by a force greater than character. More powerful than honor or integrity. HI-SPEED GENETIC MUTATIONS.

Remember, you read it here first! My third cousin on my fathers side, Chief Idlefinger Crites has discovered the existence of the Fourth Brain.

Scientists and researchers have been in agreement that there exist three separate brains in the human species. The Right Brain, the Left Brain, and the Middle Brain; each catalogued and easily identifiable by its distinct capabilities and responsibilities to the human organism.

My cousin, a world famous Iowa proctological researcher of Indian descent, has located and isolated the Fourth Brain—the P-Brain. It is located just above the Hectumus Rectumus.

This brain lies dormant in all of us, and is never awakened unless we are somehow elected to public office. Once elected, the P-Brain wages a fierce battle to sever control of the organism from its higher brain. It succeeds in wresting control over ninety-per-cent of the time; and once victorious, it begins the reign of terror we all know as ‘Low Zany Politics’.

It is this nefarious by-product of mutated genes that is responsible for all the manifest poltroonery displayed by public officials across this land. The P-Brain is driven to seek three overriding stimulants: more money to waste, more ignorant schemes to waste it on, and re-election to continue the cycle.

Unfortunately, there is no known cure. Once activated, the P-Brain is impervious to all humanitarian pleas, and all passionate imprecations underpinned by logical and coherent thought. It can only be rendered impotent by defeat in an election or through the rarely used but highly effective recall vote.

There you have it: even though we are doomed to tolerate the buffoonery of our inferiors until some cure is found, we can’t be too hard on our representatives. It’s not their fault. They are as innocent as those poor souls who eat too many Twinkies and commit some crime under the influence of sugar and additive overdose... they are controlled by the P-Brain.


Dr. Crites holds degrees in several disciplines including diverse areas of Political Science and is a  ‘Person of Interest’ Fellow at the Rand Institute for Keeping Track of Unbalanced People. He is a frequent lecturer at Newsaholics Anonymous and is on standby as an expert commentator for television appearances in the event someone actually makes a wise decision. 

Comments:
 
FX777222999   FX777222999 wrote
on 7/25/2009 12:16:45 PM
This is great in terms of Sci-fi story. I admire you and your writings! God bless!

sphincteria
Short Story
Comedy
writing sphincteria
There is an almost unbearable pain needling my fingers as a result of these overabundant scribblings. I must lay down my pencil, my engine of truth, and bathe my crippled hands in some warm water. Ignatious Riley; Confederacy of Dunces: John Kennedy Toole
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More of my biting political commentary!
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