Under the Waves

 My sober thoughts call to me,
coaxing me to the drunken sea 

The vile water filled my lungs,
Intoxicating, biting tounges.

These blackened birds
Speak dark words 

The water surrounding closes 
Swallowing thorned roses

Above me grows distant
My heart beat, less existent

Until my drunken thoughts
Twist my mind into knots

They cease their calls
My guardian angel falls

And I am left with nothing








 


Comments:
 
stet   stet wrote
on 7/23/2008 2:33:07 PM
I love this, it's so lyrical and puts great visuals into your head, it's something that will linger in the mind.

Warriorprincess55   Warriorprincess55 wrote
on 5/6/2008 1:05:15 AM
It is of my opinion that this poem has a deeper meaning than what PMurphy suggests, huh?

PMurphy   PMurphy wrote
on 5/4/2008 8:45:55 PM
hmmmmmmm truly interesting. Their just seems somthing "missing". Like i understand your thoughts but i dont FEEL the drowning. Maybe the rythem is too fast in some parts? Maybe you can make the beginning read fast, and make it slow down, like the person is struggling to get out of the water. Then as the read goes on, it slowly decreases in reading speed and your stanza's get shorter and shorter and shorter. Resembling the fact when you drown, your body gives in to the water. This is just an idea, i sitll think the piece is good though. Just seemsssss blank?

raven_ink
Poetry
Other
writing raven_ink
Feel the fear, and do it anyway because even though it's not too late, one day, it will be.

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Synopsis
Drowing sucks...it's a fear of mine. This is how i imagine it to be.
A Word from the Writer
I have anoter poem like this, but I only kept the beginning stanzas and added the rest. Hope you like it.
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