Notes of self-isolated
Chronicles of one viral virology

Day 1. Today on TV they widely and openly announced that a dangerous virus has arrived from China, somehow traveling through Europe, and we will fight it to the end and with every means possible. The words “every” and “to the end” sent a slight chill down my spine. Just in case, I checked my card account balance. Blessed be the bank, the funds were all in place. These Chinese are real bastards! Or is that Europeans?

Day 2. The TV talking box continues to rattle about the epidemic in China. If I were Chinese, I would surely be scared. Fortunately, we, Russians, have nothing to fear. Probably.

Day 3. Buckwheat is starting to disappear from the shelves of grocery stores. Do mice steal it at night? Or is that a new plan to create state’s inviolable food stocks? Thinking.

Day 4. Insight! Buckwheat was bought in reserve by fellow citizens who were afraid of the virus. But who then bought almost all toilet paper – and, most importantly, why? Thinking.

Day 5. Got it: toilet paper began performing a psychological function – sort of a sedative. Cheap and deep. All that’s I need to do is wait for this paperwork crisis to come to its end, and everything will be fine once again. Probably.

Day 6. Some incomprehensible “experts” appeared in the talking box, telling us about more and more cases of virus infection and the dangers that lie in wait for us. I can understand the dangers – but who, to the hell with their producer, are all these media people?!

Day 7. China built a hospital in a couple of days. In no way, it can be possible! It would have taken us at least a couple of years, no less. Are we worse than these narrow-eyed people? Thinking.

Day 8. Insight! If we continue to “optimize” our medicine further, then hospitals will no longer be needed, and it will be legitimate to never feel a sense of bitterness and regret that someone is building them faster than us. All according to plan.

Day 9. Oysters and shrimps disappeared from food stores. Who needs these anyway? Bought a whole cartload of lemons before they stole them like rats to the corners of own homes.

Day 12. In the talking box, “experts” continue to speak some outright gibberish about the accompanying symptoms of the disease. This way all healthy people will soon be transferred into the caste of sick ones and no other disease except for this who-knows-what virus will ever exist. Isn’t this a well-veiled attempt to create a caste society? Thinking.

Day 15. Infected with a thirst for travel, patients continue to arrive back from Europe, but they are not particularly checked at all. What, are they immortal?

Day 19. Everyone should urgently self-isolate, this is a voluntary order! Or that’s what we are being told from the chatting TV box. I am, most certainly, an obedient person, but what kind of term is this? It’s more like self-procrastination. Thinking.

Day 20. My six sense keeps telling me that this will last for long.

Day 23. Policemen keep catching violators of the self-isolation regime as if they are criminals and are in no hurry to self-isolate themselves from our streets. What, are they immortal?

Day 25. Almost all stores are closed. TV box cared not to say when they would finally open. A “high-alert” mode has been introduced. Who are we fighting? Is it possible to overcome what is unnatural? Thinking.

Day 27. I started moving on the streets in short runs, avoiding oncoming police patrols. Observation: if you move fast enough, because of their innate laziness, policemen will cease following you to issue the desired fine, and switch to another, a less mobile victim. Brilliant!

Day 30. Switched from my two legs to my bike. They will never catch us!

Day 33. Grocery stores are out of ginger. Well, fuck it, I would never buy this freaking stuff anyway!

Day 40. Zombie-box said that all of us must wear masks. Yet they did not specify, which ones. Tomorrow I plan to wear a horse mask, and the day after tomorrow – a dinosaur. A circus, no less!

Day 43. Are we going to die out like dinosaurs with such rulers?

Day 45. Today people started avoiding me on the streets as if I were a leper. They walked around a meter away in silence as if they were not alive. Maybe I shouldn’t have put on my Darth Vader mask after all. They may also come with me to the dark side of the force, I don’t object.

Day 47. Jokes put aside, today I was caught up by the patrol. I shouldn’t have been wearing a Vader mask while moving on the roadway. Got away with a minimal fine. Failed to lure the police to the dark side. Is it because they already belong to it? Thinking.

Day 50. We have a real epidemic raging on! At least, that’s what they said today in zombie-box. There is not a single infected one among all my friends, praised be the light side of the force!

Day 55. There are ongoing rumors that 5G towers are a secret project to control people’s minds. Watching the police dragging a poor old traveling woman into the car, I started to believe it.

Day 57. Now it’s possible to leave your home only with a QR code. Living, in general, has not yet been banned. Weird. What is the reason for such generosity? Thinking.

Day 60. Am I a shivering creature, or am I going out for a walk?

Day 65. Many stores and businesses are still closed. What, are they immortal?

Day 66. I am not fit to tolerate this bullshit.

Day 70. The number of patrols on the streets increases rapidly. There are ongoing rumors about plans of world bankers to chip the entire population of the Earth and turn people into cyborgs. What, do they want to become immortal?

Day 80. I checked my card account balance once again. Funds are almost running out. Now I finally understand what was meant by terms “to the end” and “by all means”.

Day 90. The self-isolation regime has been extended indefinitely. The lack of sun and vitamins makes me feel sick at times.

Day 115. Today I almost fainted from hunger in the store while choosing the cheapest instant soup available. A compassionate woman managed to grab me while everyone else shied away, probably because I wasn’t wearing a protective mask. This is no longer a circus, but something completely different.

Day 117. You can’t even sell or rent an apartment to buy food. We keep successfully defeating ourselves.

Day 160. Patrolmen in black armored suits filled the streets. They are recruited from among the desperate and starving people. These sworn men work literally for food. What, do they think they’re immortal?

Day 173. There are ongoing rumors of an impending coup d’etat.

Day 190. Hunger riots are raging on in the streets of cities. This is said in the broadcast on the “Resistance” radio channel. They call for us to join their ranks. All fighters of the invisible front are promised to be supplied with “stew” and “buckwheat”. What do all these words mean? I’m trying to remember.

Day 200. I’m a member of the Resistance! We are fighting for our homeland against the elite who have betrayed us and sworn loyalty to the foreign money owners and lenders.

Day 255. The radio of the Resistance broadcasts throughout the former Soviet Union. We may not be immortal, but we will never be slaves. Freedom, equality, brotherhood!

Day 777. Today, the last enemy stronghold in the county’s capital has fallen under the decisive blows of the Resistance forces. How sweet is the taste of victory! How sweet is buckwheat!

Day 1100. Our military space machine knows no equal, and battle-hardened soldiers are eager to save the world from the henchmen of the “world chip-implanters”. Very soon we will have enough forces for a final strike.

Day 1255. March on Washington!

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