Confusion
Surrounded by people
Like watching myself in a movie
People talking, singing, music blaring
So many thoughts
So many mouths opening
Everything around me begins to blur
I look right at him and he is staring at me
He has the goofy smile on his face that drives me crazy
All I want is him
He catches my eyes, and I don't want to even look his way
I just want to touch him
His face, his smile
His embrace
The feeling that he might care
I am staring at this line
About to cross it but not quite sure
confusion....
Am I doing what I want for me
Or do I care what others think to much
I need someone
Alone...
Feeling alone...
It kills me
So scared to be alone
To not have someone
But a stepping stone into becoming me
Every person that has had my heart
Has left
Every person I needed is gone
Every time I needed affection it was gone
No one to say "I love you!"
Not even my parents
But I need it
I need them
I am at this standstill of having everything I have ever wanted
I own my own home
I have steady job and trying to start up my own business
I am in school
Everything I ever wanted and I never try to include anyone else
Jealous of having everything I don't have
Watching him with her
Seeing him touch her and rub her arm
Caressing her face
Then turn to look at me with a smile
It kills me
It hurts
Surrounded by so many people
Everything is in a blur
Except his face
That look I can't explain
Can't tell if he wants me too
Or is he laughing in my face
He's showed my things I have never seen before
My relationship is falling apart
We are married and not
I am caught in this mess
complications
lacking feelings
Trying to figure myself out
Will I?
Will I know what I want?
Standing at this line and waiting to cross
Do I have the strength to do what I want
I am not sure
He's my security blanket but I am not in love with him anymore
I watch us fall apart,
I expect it
The small things that he cared about
Call me to tell me he is on his way home
I remember watching him walk into the room
Smiling with two other girls
He was out to have a good time
I had to look away
Lost, immediate despair and resentment
Am I going to be able to see him and be ok
Trying to keep my head above the water
Trying not to drown
Emotions that almost knock me off my feet
A whirlwind of feelings....emotions.....just floating
No real direction
Sorting things out
In my head
What do I want
Can I have it
Is this going to work
I look at us and we are not going to
Married but not
I don't yet have the strength to let my security blanket go
We've come so far...but I am almost ready to let go
I love him
But I'm not in love with him
Confused.....
What a big mess
Drama & such a soap opera that belongs on daytime television
It's not me
not what I am about
but I guess that's life
At least for now.
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"Nothing great has ever been achieved without Passion."
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