Untitled WritinInstructions From God...The Festival Edition

Because God loves us he wants us to party hard, and so he gave us the great and time honoured event known as the festival.2

And God said unto students far and wide, "Now thou art a student thou must go to the festival, and whilst thou are at the festival thou will follow these rules which I have given unto thee, as thousands of festival goers before thee have."3

1- Thou shall smell- by the time the sun sets on the first day thou shall reek. For at the festival thou shall find no shower or running water. If thou wishes to ‘get off’ with other festival goers do not insult them with pungent breath instead brush your teeth with carling.4

On hearing of the B.O the would be festival goer began to lament, but god said unto him5

Do not weep for thy neighbour shall smell also ,and after you have brushed your teeth with alcohol several times the stench will be seductive6

The festival goer upon learning this agreed, for he knew that god is wise.7

2- Thou shall live off alcohol and food from over priced burger vans- thou shall buy a burger from a dirty un savoury looking van, and it shall be prepared for you by an ex festival goer like yourself. His hair will be unwashed, and his fingernails grimy.
Heed this warning my child. After you have consumed the burger let no other food pass your lips . for when food has passed your lips it must pass through else where, and at the festival you will find no toilet only a hole in the ground filled with your neighbours waste…and the waste will spread far and wide.8

Upon learning this, the festival goer began to consider going to a Westlife concert instead. But God said …9

Do not fear…. instead of filling your insides with food thou shall fill it with alcohol .Thou shall consume Carlsberg for breakfast vodka for lunch and J.D for supper 10

The festival goer upon this fell to his knees and praised the Lord11

3- Thou shall drink until thou drop- 12

In accordance with the second commandment…thou shall drink until thou loose consciousness thou shall drink all thine own alcohol and all thy friends alcohol. When all thine own alcohol is gone thou shall steal that of thy neighbours 13

The festival goer thought that this was irresponsible and God said to him…14

If thou art going to be such a wimp then maybe thou should go to the Westlife concert after all15

The festival goer saw the error of his foolish ways and agreed with God's plan.16

4- Thou shall wander in the wilderness - after consuming alcohol for several hours thou must rush from thy tent and find a place to vomit. On the way back thou shall lose thy tent for they all look the same . Thou shall wander for hours on end, searching among the thousands of tents, and the abundance of filth, and thy friends will be too drunk to notice thine absence 17

The festival goer then turned to god and said “But Lord, why must I wander in my drunken stupor? 18

Then God replied…19

“Take heart, at 3am thou shall wonder into a tent and fall upon other drunken festival goers thou are too drunk to notice thou art not their friend “20

5- Thou shall wear fancy dress- on the second day thou shall make a fool of thyself and wear fancy dress . Upon hearing this the sudent said…”Lord you are all knowing…and all seeing...would the leather outfit with the whip suffice.?21

The lord said.”.Indeed my son..that will do nicely..though chains would complete the ensemble”22

The student turned to the lord again and said23

“I do not want to make a fool of myself.”24

The lord replied… 25

“Have no fear thou shalt not be alone.”26

6- Thou shall mock first time festival goers – during your time at the festival thou shall stumble across festival virgins, thou shall mock them and thou shall take pleasure in humiliating them at all costs. If they have no baby wipes do not offer them yours instead guard your own with your life27

The student replied28

” Lord it says in the scriptures I am to give up my cloak to a beggar”29

The lord replied30

,” Indeed my child. and I just added a new one to the list.Do not covet thy neighbours wipes”31

7-Thou shall sustain injuries- during the course of the festival thou shall make no effort to protect thyself from bodily harm, Thou shall lay down in mosh pits and let other festival goers trample all over thy body and thou shall stupidly get in the way of the 6 foot giant in front of you, as he pogos like a stoned teenager.32

The festival goer said33

“ lord should I be fearful?”34

And god replied 35

“Yes you should fear for your life but rejoice for tho shall carry the scars with pride” 36

8- thou shall see at least thy fair share of naked bodies- while at the festival thou shall be blinded by many naked bodies , do not avert thine eyes for there is no shame in drunken cavorting instead take of your own clothes and join in the naked party.37

The student said38

“Lord I do not want to show my manly bits to the great British Public”39

To this the Lord said 40

“Take heart..if they can’t remember a baby wipe..it is unlikely that they will bring a magnifying glass”41

9-thou shall see many bad bands- towards the end of the festival thou shall be pumping vodka through thy veins and so there for you will be incapable of any kind of judgement. This is the time then in which you will see the ‘bad bands’
These are the bands made up of x factor rejects turned rockers who sing draining songs about how they fail everything in their life…It is then your responsibility to throw bottles at the band if possible make sure they are filled with urine42

The festival goer said 43

“Surely Lord this is cruel and demeaning?”44

The lord replied…45

“Yes my son but they are all emos. so they will enjoy the misery “46

10 – Thou shall vow never to go again to the Godforsaken festival…until next time-at the end of the festival when suffering from alcohol poisoning. and smoke inhalation from the thousands of burning tents thou shall say never again. However I know and you know that when the tickets are next on sale you will be the first in the queue with the money you borrowed begged and scrimped clutched in your sweaty little mit…thou shall buy a ticket immediately and next time thou shall remember the baby wipes and drink more vodka.47

The student knowing this to be true…fell to the ground and pleaded for a West Life ticket

StarPoet   StarPoet wrote
on 12/21/2009 1:49:04 AM
Whimsical yet how many people do we see at any festival that do so many of the things you write of here? I like that you are able to tell their story with such humor.

writing moonsail
Words fizz on my tongue, like poppin candy
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A humerous piece depicting the music festival culture
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