Is it really my choice?
7. July 2010 20:27

I am sitting in the face of a decision. Sleep is running from me. This is never good. Part of me wants to run. Just get in the car and go. Where? I have no idea.

My eyes are tired, but my body is not playing along.

When I built moodyminds I was not sure how open to be on the blog. This is the real me though. You need to see what this thing looks like on the inside.

I have done something I said I never would. I have turned against my meds. I am taking half of one that was prescribed. I missed it one day and woke up fresh and alive and non-fuzzy. It made me realize how sedated I was. Here lies the problem. I want to be alert and awake in the morning, but at this cost?

It is almost 3am and I am sitting here writing, struggling through the mixed state of depression and hypo-mania. It is like a tug of war in your brain. I know things I can do to fight this, but my biology fights with my thinking ability.

The mania does not want to sleep; it wants to do more and more. I lie in bed and struggle to keep something from moving. I am not full manic right now, but am I dancing on a line? Am I flirting with the excitement and power that comes from mania?

Feeling the hyper sexuality, impulsiveness, and the buzz in my brain can be intoxicating.

I explain to everyone that I coach; you will get sick again and again. This thing will not go away. The job is to manage it better than before. It’s almost 8 months since my last event. Can I stop this one? Is it really my choice?

My eyes cry for sleep, but my body and mind fight them at every turn. I don’t know whether to work, iron, watch tv, read, walk around or just lie in a bed staring at the ceiling tossing and turning.

A yawn!!! Maybe some reprieve. I will go try again. Wish me luck.


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moodyminds
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