more haiku attempts...

sunrise brings new day
in a field the poppies grow
opium to reap


small waves lap the shore
bringing forth Neptune’s castoffs
driftwood finds a home

 

peacock proudly struts
fans out his wondrous colours
monarch of the birds


Comments:
 
WAN   WAN wrote
on 8/15/2009 9:19:28 PM
You're very welcome:) Its much better now( syllables count) first stanza the last line counts 4syllables only:). Hmp! You know Kiwi, If you will really ask me( I hate rules LOL) thats why i dont write so many haikus and etc-as they all follow rules- I prefer the free verse:) The way you write your poems(haiku) your words are so bright and shining. Your description is very good as well:) Have a nice day! Hugs, WAN

Michele   Michele wrote
on 8/15/2009 2:46:29 PM
Isn't haiku fun? I like the way they lend themselves to nature poems--a way to capture a moment in time. These are great---I have a few too. Like your little cornflower photo--I love to grow those in my garden, though haven't for awhile....got giant sunflowers the past 2 summers.

kiwigirl   kiwigirl wrote
on 8/15/2009 11:23:55 AM
thanks wan...I tried to get the syllables right, but you are quite correct. The 2 lines you mentioned did get a bit short changed...LOl how about 'small waves lap the shore' and 'monarch of the birds' would that be better?

WAN   WAN wrote
on 8/15/2009 10:59:13 AM
in the second stanza first line(only 4 syllables) and in the third stanza last line ( also 4 syllables) but aside from that your words are more natural( a very japanesse haiku indeed) great job!

Jan   Jan wrote
on 8/15/2009 10:13:47 AM
but i think the syllables are okay too..sorry for the cut comment.. :)

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kiwigirl
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writing kiwigirl
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart
--Helen Keller
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