haiku


tendrils of daylight
winding through the window pane
last rays of summer

gentle raindrops fall
thunderhead has passed on by
raging torrents flow

time to leave your nest
fledgling sparrow spread your wings
fly against the sun









Comments:
 
djc   djc wrote
on 9/1/2009 10:54:35 AM
I Like "tendrils of daylight" very poetic. Forget papak!!!! Your haiku poems are great!!!

kiwigirl   kiwigirl wrote
on 8/29/2009 5:39:23 PM
tendrils stays! LOL A filament or thin strand as defined by Thesaurus.com (my other less vocal mentor). Removing or replacing it is not an option. but I will concede the last line and change it as you suggest I have altered the last word in line 1 and changed the 1st word in line 2. OK...so I have rewritten it completely...lol tendrils of daylight twisting through the window pane last rays of summer and thank you for line 3 of verse 3. That one had me a tad stuck Thank you for your input. As always your critique is very much appreciated

Papak   Papak wrote
on 8/29/2009 4:36:09 PM
"tendrils" ? Is it just me or is "summer suns" a bit of a tongue twister? I get caught on the vowels of summer and sun " last rays of summer" might be an option because you have already said sunlight. #2 I like this one because the first and third line can be switched with disruption to the 2nd line. The only thing I can say about this is I wish I had wrote it #3 again lines 1 and 3 can be switched without disrupting the scene, Nice

kiwigirl
Poetry
Haiku
writing kiwigirl
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart
--Helen Keller
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