Excerpt from newest work "Surviving Life"
Missouri was a part of the plan to escape the trappings of my drug addiction, but it was also a way for me to try and start off with a clean slate. Housing was outrageous in Florida and the pay scale was insanely low. I have told you how much i bring home in pay, there is no way i could even afford a cardboard box on a street corner in Florida.
I lived with Candy and Sean for over a year when the current Manger at my job was transfered and Craig, the new manager was looking for someone to move into Jack’s apartment. the two apartments were connected, and Craig wanted someone he trusted to move in. I had no misgivings about living with Candy and Sean, but there was a want to be on my own, independant, so to speak.
It definately took some getting used to, living alone again. For over a year and a half, I had lived with roommates, but that could not last forever. Sooner or later, I would need to spread my wings and leave the nest, for lack of a better cliche.
Definitely was just a tad bit easier due to my cats. They never got sick of me babbling on and on about this or that. There was Sophie, the female, and Joker, the male. Not long after moving, a friend that I used to work with, Miranda, found a starving kitten at her church, and I guess she could only think of one person who would be willing to nurse this kitten back to health.
The cat aquired the name Church. she was probably only a month or two old. Her whiskers had been melted down to her face, she had a huge sore on the side of her neck, just below the jaw line, and she was nothing but fur and bones.
With the help of Candy’s daughter Michelle, when i was out of town, Church filled in her skin, healed and became the terror of my apartment that she is now. I just wish that she would stop attacking my feet when I was trying to sleep.
That poor kitten came into this house in such bad shape, i did not know if she would make it the first night. I brought her inside and she fell asleep on my belly for 4 straight hours. I was proud that she made it and is so insane now.
Anyway.
Although there are backstabbers everywhere you go, living in Missouri, I was able to find a larger number of decent people to bring in close as friends. All of my friends stemmed from the job that I got, but why compain about how you got your friends when you should just be happy that you have some.
When i first moved here, I was hired by a telemarketing firm, but I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. I am not one that is happy with sitting on my butt for 8 hours a day. There was not one thing I could stand, and when I finally got the Call for McDonalds, I jumped at that chance.
Although I had avoided working fast food all of my adult life, i was happy to be offered that job. I doubt I would have had that much fun at another restaurant. I think it was the combination of the people that made it so much fun and enjoyable.
I worked my butt off. When they needed someone, they called me and I went in. sometimes, there would be monthes without a day off. There was one time that I worked so long, coming in every day off, that I eventually began to burn myself out, and finally requested a three day weekend to recooperate. Little did I know that the next test in life was going to be the hardest and was going to show up sooner rather than later.
...Little boy Blue and the Man In the Moon...

I had been working myself into the ground without a day off or a while when I finally requested a weekend off. It was not that I was not scheduled for a day off, I just kept coming in when they needed someone. I had requested the following Monday off so that I split the days off between the two pay periods. I had planned to relax and attempt to get some writing done, which i had neglected to do in quite a while. I got home from work that Friday and began checking my emails. I had not logged into my Myspace profile in quite a while, but something told me that I should. I guess it was a good thing that i did. There was a message from my cousin Bryan.
I had to read the message several times before it actually sunk into my head what I was actually reading. It was a message telling me that My father had terminal cancer, and it was unknown how long he had left. At that moment, when the gravity hit me, the tears were pouring out of my eyes like they were fountains and I began to relive every bit of my childhood. Every fishing trip, every vacation, every argument.
My father and I had not spoken in years, most of which was my fault. Every rash decision that ended in failure filled me with shame. Right after high school, I moved to Oregon with my girlfriend, which ended in failure and I came crawling back to Florida. But it was the fall of my marriage that rocked me the most. When Tara and I split, it was an ugly thing that basically destroyed my name, and since I chose not to fight back, my name was dragged through the dirt. In my own mind, my father must have been so ashamed of me, but it was all my own shame directed at myself.
My father and i were once very close, I would venture to say that he was the person that I was closest to for a large portion of my life. I would much rather have hung out with my dad, talking to the old guys in the doughnut shop where we always stopped before heading to the water to go fishing.

Then there was the whole setting myself a blaze in a stupid attempt to escape life without my kids. that was a shame I could not face my father with. Somewhere in my soul, I knew that my father loved me, but it was me that was disappointed. I was not the man that my father raised me to be, and that was the worst of all of it. I could barely keep it all together when he called me while i was in the hospital, burnt, awaiting a bus ticket to go to my mother’s.
My father was Superman to me. Once, when I was a small child, he fell off the roof of the house. the scariest part of it to him was probably the horrifying scream that rose up out of me, scared that my dad was hurt. It was probably because of me that he jumped up to his feet like it did not even happen. “I’m fine,” he told my mom when she bugged him for her to take him to the hospital. There was another time when he and i had gone fishing and he had performed such a great cast that his lure got caught in a tree on the otherside of the canal. One good yank and that lure came flying at his face. Luckily he got his arm up in time, the lure got hooked in his arm, and father and son were off to the hospital.
I remember when the doctor had finished stitching up my dad’s arm, my dad snuck up behind me and caught me telling all of our best fishing stories. I was bragging about my dad like he bragged about me.
Where we lived, Lehigh, alot of people fished the canals and lakes so catching large fish were a rare occurance. I caught a largemouth bass one afternoon that i could not even drag up the bank of the canal. I was a young man then, and when i had to carry it, it took both hands. Dad said it was 10 or eleven pounds. He was so proud. It was near spawning season, and we had to throw her back, she was full of eggs. But we could not do so until after we filled a bucket with water and Dad got to take the fish around town to show off what his son caught.
Then there was the time that this kid jumped me from behind at school, this was high school. I had driven from the sprint station in Fort Myers, Florida to about where the high school was. He must have gone 100 the entire way. It was less than a half hour after the fight before he was there to pick me up. Not only that, the man would have probably killed the boy that attacked me for my sunglasses if he had found him.
Now, i sat at my computer desk, staring at the screen in total sadness. I had a prepaid cellphone at the time, and I was out of minutes, there was no way for me to call anyone in my family at all. I sent emails to my mother on Yahoo and on Facebook, hoping that she could reach my sister.
Never had I felt so much like a failure as at this very moment. My dad needed me, but there was no way for me to get there or call. I was now in Missouri, making only a tad bit more than minnimum wage, how was I going to get anywhere.
My mother paid for some minutes for me to call my family on my father’s side. My first call was made to my Uncle David, but i was only able to leave a message. I had to reach someone, so I called my Aunt Dorothy, and everything I hoped would not be said, was said. She broke into tears when she realized that it was me, and what she said made it feel as if my very soul was sinking to my feet. The word “suffering” was used. “Don’t know how much time he’s got,” was also used. The one hope that I had was that my father was not suffering, and to hear that he was tore my heart out.
Both my Aunt Dorothy and My Uncle David were my father’s siblings. They both asked me the same question, “Are you going to be coming down?” Ten years prior to this, the man I was would not even have called anyone, I would have hidden from it and hoped for the best, but not this time. I told them I would do everything in my power to get there, and that was the truth.
I spent the weekend applying at every loan place in this little town hoping that I could come accross the money to get myself there. I know that if I had asked my mother, she would have gotten me there, but it was important for me to get there on my own, if I could find a way. Thankfully for my heart, My sister was already on her way from Tampa, Florida to see my father.
The search for a loan did not go the way that I had hoped, the fact was that since all of them were basically a cash advance establishment, and i had no checking account, I had to find another way.
Monday morning, my manager, Craig, called me in to work because they were short-handed. My body where there doing work, but my mind was already in Florida with my father. I freaked out everytime I heard the phone ring, scared to death that it was some family member calling to tell me that I would never get to make it to my father’s side. It was not until I got home that My Uncle David called. He had talked to My Aunt Dorothy and the news was definately not good.
He wanted to know what the nearest airport was to me and that he wanted to get me there by the following afternoon. He and my Aunt Martha would be arriving there the same day from ohio.
Let me just take a few moments to say a few things about my boss Craig. Trying to figure out what to do, what to pack, it not for him nothing would have got done. Yes, he is my boss, but he is also a great friend. The man made sure my electric and rent was paid while I was in Florida so that I would have a home to come back to. Lets not just stop there. There was a couple of young ladies, Brenna and Becca, who worked with me that agreed to take care of my cats in my absence. Then there were William and Melissa who live in Moberly, Missouri who helped me attempt to keep my head together leading up to me heading to Florida.
Craig took me over to Candy and Sean’s house, who aggreed to drive me to Columbia, Missouri, where there was a tiny airport. My flight was to leave at 4am. Sean got off of work and 2am and we hit the road. Now, I have not yet mention my extreme fear of flying, but I am now. I was shaking the entire ride, and there was no sleep due to the fact that there was nightmares bounceing around in my head of what I was going to see when I got to my father’s side. There was no fear in me that was going to keep me from going to be at my father’s side, even if I had to sleep in the hospital parking lot.
Once i had checked in and was on the runway heading to the plane, i was shaking as if it were 20 below outside. It was not a jet, the plane had propellers, and at one point, once i was on the plane, a young petite girl plopped down in her seat and the entire plane shook.
The entire trip to Florida, there was only one thing on my mind, and that was making sure that I said everything I needed to say to dad, most of all that I loved him. My stomach was in knots when the final landing in Fort Myers, Florida came at 3pm. All I wanted was to get to the hospital and see dad, but I was so afraid.
My sister met me at the airport, and I learned that I would be staying with her. That kind of bothered me, I had very little money and I knew that she wasn’t going to be able to foot the bill for too long, and I was not going to leave Florida until my father left the hospital one way or another.
Even now, it is all a haze, that first time I went down that hallway on the third floor. We called back to the nurses station and they told us we could go back. My dad was at the end of the hall, and it seemed to me like it took an eternity to walk down what seemed to be 50 or 60 feet.
I nearly fainted when we got to the room. I am sure that dad saw me before i meant him to, i did not want him to see me cry, so i ducked back. Uncle David came out of the room and hugged me, as well as Aunt Martha. They looked the same as I remembered them over 10 years ago, only their hair was grey now.
Nothing can prepare you for something like what I saw. my father was sedated and seemed to be staring off. I had to put on rubber gloves and a gown to even go into the room. What shocked me was that other than the breathing tube that was going into his mouth, he looked like a Very healthy 67 year old man. I greeted my Step-mother as I came in, trying to hide my tears from my dad. I turned to look at my father and he was reaching out to me. My father knew who I was and was happy to see me. That was very important to me, that he knew that his only surviving son was at his side. there was only one thing that I could say to him, and it was the one thing that even if I could say nothing else, it had to be said...
“I love you, dad.”

At first, my sister and i would show up just before visiting hours started and would stay the entire day. We let the other family spend most of the time with dad, mainly because the final visiting hours for the day were from 8 to 9, and that hour was for me and my sister. My step-mom had been mugged in a supermarket parking lot, so dad did not want her coming at night. Now Lee, my step-mom, is one heck of a strong woman. I was there when my father married her, and that was definately one of my father’s happiest moments. She loved my father with the entirety of her soul, and though she struggled so hard to be strong for all of us, I could see in her eyes that she was suffering just as much as my father. And I made sure that I told her, that I may not have showed it the right way over the years, but I loved her, and was there for her too.
She and my aunt Dorothy were there everyday before the rest of the family arrived. The only one left to arrive at this point. the doctor’s had discoved that my Father had Bladder Cancer, and he had gone in for surgery for that when the lung cancer enveloped his lungs. I peiced the story together by listening to Lee telling this family member and that family member. She was in so much pain, i did not want to ask questions. According to my Aunt Dorothy, he was actually joking about having to go in for surgery before he went. When he woke from that surgery, he could no longer breath on his own.
Apparently there were times that he was strapped down because he had tried to pull the tube out and get out of bed. By the time i arrived, he could not even use the card he was given to spell out words to tell us anything. The thing that bothered me was that my father did not have a room with any type of veiw of the outside world. My sister and I would talk about the outside at times to keep him from feeling trapped.
At times he was awake, at times he wasn’t, but all of us were there everyday. I think dad was holding on until Uncle John got there. It was not too long after that when Dad was almost never awake. I saw the daily chest X-rays, the cancer had nearly taken both lungs by the time he arrived.
It was a day or two after that, that dad was awake the entire day. He was watching golf, one of his favorite sports other than fishing. I cracked up when his brow wrinkled when he was annoyed at one point during that day. Lee was worried that dad was in pain, but he was annoyed because we were talking too loud and he could not hear golf. After that day, he was only awake sporadically. Even still, we were all there at his side.
One thing that happened, that meant very much to me, was that I was able to bond with my stepmom. the pain she was feeling was nothing that I could have even imagined. She had told us that they had moved into this senior community near the golf course to make sure he would be ready for life without her. She was always prepared to go first, she figured that since she was 8 years older than dad, she was the one who would go first.
Then, there was a day where Lee got this idea to take a photo of all of us. My Aunt Dorothy was not too keen on the idea, but I understood where Lee was coming from, and she said it the best, “who knows if or when all of us would be there together again.”
I went to see dad before the picture was to be taken, and i talked to him about a few things, even though he was asleep. I kissed him on his forehead and his eyes opened, just as uncle david came to tell me that Lee was ready to take the picture. I told him that I could not go just yet, “Dad’s awake and I have some things I need to tell him.”
I told him about the books I wrote. At the time, it was three. I told him that everything he taught me over the years was there, and it was because of those things that i had such a strong work ethic. I told him that if I could just be half the man that he is, I will be doing alright. When I was a kid, when i did well, he would always give me the thumbs up. He did not even have the strength to lift his arm or even turn his hand so that his thumb would be pointing up, but I knew what he meant.
At that moment, it was only he and I in that room, and all of the shame and regret left my heart over the past. All that mattered was that i was there with him, and he loved me.
I went out and took the picture because it was the end of visiting hours. We all went to the cafeteria and talked before going back to sit with dad.
He never woke again. The sedation was too strong and when they lowered it, he was in far too much pain. Then, one morning, the doctor came to talk to us. My sister and i began to show up early so that Lee would not have to deal with the doctor’s all alone. This particular day, would have been hard for her to deal with alone. The Doctor wanted the family to make a decision. He said that dad could not breath on his own, the ventilator was all that was keeping him alive. There was no way to move him to a facility that was specialized in dealing with cancer patients because he could not be without the machine. Dad had told me many years ago that he did not want to live that way. He did not make out a living will because, I believe, that he was sure he would walk out of that hospital.
That day, the family made the difficult decision that we were going to take dad off of the machine. Lee had to make the difficult decision as to when this would take place. My sister’s birthday was coming up and no one wanted it to happen that day. The next day was a couple of my step-siblings’ father’s birthday, I think, and Lee wanted dad to have his own day.
That night was very difficult for my sister and I. When we came back that night, Dad had a new braclet on his wrist with the initials D.N.R. We both fell apart, we knew what that meant, “do not resuscitate.”
That night I thought about everything that the family and I talked about during the time I had spent there with them. I had always known that I had half-brothers that passed away as infants. I had thought there were only two, but there were three. Mikey, David, and Tony. My father had served in the army during Vietnam. He trained dogs as well for the army. My father treated his step-children as if they were his. the word “step” was not in his vocabulary, and I did not want that word to be used in his obituary.
the following day, Lee made all of the arrangements necessary for after what would happen the very next day. that must have been hell for her. Knowing her husband of 20 years was going to pass the very next day, and she was going to have to find a way for life to go on after.
It was a very somber mood, but we were all there as we had been everyday before. There were no visiting hours for us anymore, there was no limit to how many of us could be in the room with him. It really hit me when the nurses told us that we no longer had to wear the gowns or gloves that we originally had to wear to protect dad from infection. Dad never woke that day, at least not while the entire family was there.
I spent that night in the hospital with dad, and needless to say, I slept very little that night. He woke up one time that night, and I told him I was there, and that I would be there all night. He went right back to sleep. During that night, I saw the nurses do everything they did to keep him comfortable. One shaved dad’s beard into a goatee. I prayed that night for the first time in a great many years. I asked God that dad would not suffer any pain if or when the end came that very next day. Another thing I asked of God was that I could find the strength to be strong for the family so that burden could be off of Lee’s shoulders.
As the chosen time inched closer after the sun rose and the sky became blue, family began to arrive. My step-sister’s father in law, who is a preacher, came in and prayed with my dad. One worry of mine was that the doctor said that they had to take my father off of the sedation that he was on because it could only be used with the ventilator on.
It was almost instantainious, when the nurse shut off the sedation and turned up the pain meds, Dad was wide awake. I was on one side, my sister was on the otherside of the bed. He was holding tightly to our hands, looking around for Lee as well, who came in shortly there after. We were all there, plus more of Lee’s family was there, and he saw us all there for him.
I think he knew that it was time. Dad had closed his eyes and went to sleep before the nurse began to inject the new sedative before the tube would be taken out. We all left the room and allowed Lee to have a few moments alone with the man she loved so completely for 20 years.
The tube was taken out and Lee went back into the room to be with dad during his final moments. It was during this moment, I thought back to when my mom and dad split up and my sister and i moved to California with my mom. The Uhaul trailer was hooked up to the old brown station-wagon, and as we pulled away from the house, dad walked back into that house all alone. He had so much strength, and it was in that moment I vowed to be the man he had raised me to be. I was going to be in that room with him, no matter what was going to happen.
The first time I tried to go in, Lee said, “Jason, don’t come in here.” Her daughter stepped in and the next time when my sister and i walked in, she did not protest. I know why she did not want us in there, she was trying to protect us.
The doctor had said that if my father was going to pass, he would pass peacefully and silently. Lee saw him gasp for air and she did not want us to see it. Unless God showed up and told me not to go in, i was going to be at my father’s side in the final moments. I saw him gasp for air, but he was not awake. I whispered into his ear that it was okay, no one would be mad at him if he let go. The sadness hit me when i looked at the monitor behind me and saw that his heartbeat had slowed to only 24 beats per minute. When I began to sob, I heard the family on the other side of the drawn curtain began to do the same. The next time I looked at the monitor, it had gone into screensaver mode.
The only thing i could think of was that i needed to get my sister out of the room, but she was blocking me in and not moving except for sobbing. I was there as my father took his last breath. I still have nightmares of the moment as I watched the color drain from his face.
The nurses that were in the room were crying, they had come to know my father, and they liked the man.
We were asked to leave the room so that they could remove all of the wires that were attatched to dad so that we could all come back in and see him without them. A social worker came to me privately as i was leaving the room and told me that it was important to the entire family that I was there. That meant the world to me.
I don’t remember if i said anything to the family or not, but I had to go outside and get some fresh air. I walked nearly half-way around the entire hospital when i turned back to go back to the family. During my walk back, I was sobbing, it was hot and humid without the smallest breeze. I cannot forget that because of what happened. “I miss you, dad,” I sobbed out loud, and when i did, a cool, crisp breeze went through me. I do not me hit me, I said it right the first time, and it was that it went through me. It calmed me enough to at least appear strong for the family.
Lee gave me my father’s watch and a ring of my father’s. She kept apologizing that it was not more, but in truth, i did not expect or want anything but what i did get, something that belonged to my dad that was his and that meant something to him. After i returned to Missouri, she sent me one of my dad’s dogtags from his army days, and I am wearing the watch, ring, and dogtags as I write this.
The wake and the funeral scared the heck out of me. this would be the first for me, and i was afraid. My sister chose not to goto the wake, so i did. When I got there, Lee was worried that I would not approve. I swear to you, the man had smiled so much during his life, that as he laid in that beautiful casket, there was a slight smile on his face.
I got to meet some of dad’s buddies that he worked with for the telephone company for 30 years. Dad never wanted a wake because he did not want people staring at his body saying stupid things like, “he looks so good.” I believe he approved, we all celibrated his life. We laughed at all of his goofball antics he would pull just to make people laugh. My father was the kind of man that if there were more men like him, the world would be a much better place. I still laugh when i think of Lee telling me about the first time she told him how old she was, that she was 8 years older than him, “Well, it don’t make you a bad person.” And she also told me how she used the same line against him the first time he took his work had off in front of her and revealed his receding hairline. “It don’t make you a bad person.”
It was at the funeral that I learned that my father accepted Jesus. That was important to me. It was hard to go into that church. I was a bit angry that the Catholic Church had refused my dad because he had refused last rites. He did not refuse that because of any hatred of the church, in his mind, he was not going to die. Many people came upto speak, and I was one of them. What I said is private and will remain between myself, the family, and my father.
My Uncle John asked me if I was going to be a Paul Bearer, I said that i would not have it any other way. I helped carry my father to the “carriage” and then from there to where he would be buried. As we rode to the cemetary, we passed almost every single fishing spot my dad and i frequented. We even passed the spot in Cape Coral where he had Lee meet us so I could meet her for the first time.
As the family dispersed, my step-brother, Teddy, came up to my sister and I. he told us not to worry about regrets, and that our father loved us. He told me that my father had given him all of the fishing stuff because he would not fish without me.
I rode with Teddy to the family gathering afther the funeral. It was hard because i knew that the very next day I would be leaving town, and i did not know when or if I would see any of these family members again. I spent alot of time talking with my Step-brother-in-law, Eddie. My dad was very close with him, and his German Shepard, Chief. Chief knew who i was, or I should say whose son i was. Chief took to me as if i was my dad. I felt better as I talked with Ed, he was the son to my father that I was not man enough to be for so many years. I learned that my dad finally confided in Ed about all that happened with my half-brothers, finally getting it out. Eddie told me that my father was a different man after that night, more himself.
It was hard saying good-bye to my family and step-family that day. I loved all of them more at that time than anytime in my life, and i did not want to leave.
I spent three days in the Tampa area with my mother and step-father before heading back to Missouri. I saw a few friends like Edith, Shari, Danielle, Mikey, and Dorothy. there were a few I was unable to see, but there will be another time. Those few days really helped.
Cinco de Mayo was a great bonding experience between Ray and myself. Just he and I talking, and I was finally not afraid to just say what was on my mind, what i felt, and any opinion i felt like sharing. My Sister had always refered to him as Poppa Ray, and he really fit that. As I have said before, the man did not have to care about my sister and i, but he does.
My father passing made me really think hard about the way i had lived. I did not get to hear his voice one last time, at least not in this world. I am very vocal now, when it comes to my feelings. I don’t want anyone ever thinking that I don’t love them. When it comes to love, say, don’t hide it. You never know when you say that you love some one, if it will be the last time.
I talked alot with Ray and mom. I guess you can say that I bonded more with Ray than ever in my life. I think my mother and I became a lot closer now that I was just me and not trying to pretend to be what they raised me to be, I had actually become that man. When they brought me to the airport to leave, they both told me how proud they were at the man I had turned out to be.
My boss before Craig, Jack picked me up at the airport and Craig picked me up at the half-way point and took me the rest of the way home. It was when i walked into my apartment that i realized that I had all the strength that my mom, dad, step-mom, and step-dad had tried to instill in me. It was as the cats came to greet me at the door that i knew that I was the man that my parents raised me to be.
I had to make them proud.

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HOLY CRAP, A PUBLISHER PICKED UP ONE OF MY BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Synopsis
I have begun writing a tale of my life. A friend once told me that they dont know how i do it, both that friend and I have known people who have ended their life over less than I have survived. From beating a drug habit with no help what so ever, to dealing with my father's death of Lung Cancer. This is only an excerpt.
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