Evening Rains
Evening Rains
---------------------------------

Shall we dance to the song of the rain,
To this rhythm of water and gravity?
To the sonnet of every drop lain
For such an orchestrated cacophony

Shall we dance to the song of the rain?
Drench me in this waltzing revelry of you.
A step, a turn, around and let’s feign
That time may stop to make our “forever” true.

(A curtsy to the night)

The moon is my shackle,
The stars are the chains.
The sky is my prison,
The clouds are the rails.
Your eyes, the manacles.
A glance locks me here.
Captive of delusion,
Entrapped by your stare.

Let it all pour

Shall we dance like the night and the day,
Like seconds drizzling in and out of tune?
Trickling minutes on a thousand panes,
Of starlit showers and hours that went too soon

I curtsy to the night.

Let it all pour
And wash us away in these evening rains

Comments:
 
ix   ix wrote
on 8/1/2009 2:25:02 PM
thank you shakatoah, i am humbled by your words.

shakatoah   shakatoah wrote
on 7/31/2009 10:13:08 AM
I love the changes in rhythm...it works so beautifully...and yet for other writers, in different pieces, it doesn't work at all. I think you have a real feel for it. Also...I disagree about changing your imagery. I rather like the strength of the emotion you evoke. Being chained or imprisoned by love is not meant to be a negative image, I'm sure...any more than an audience hates being held captive by a stunning performer. I think you can indeed be 'locked' into the eyes of someone you love, feel yourself completely unable to escape the depth of feeling (because, after all, you don't WANT to escape)...and yet, still dance as though you are perhaps completely free for the first time. I think this is really cleverly done and it's one of my favourite pieces on this site.

ix   ix wrote
on 7/28/2009 3:15:41 PM
thanks frederic and StarPoet for your comments. i really appreciate it.

StarPoet   StarPoet wrote
on 7/28/2009 2:48:27 AM
I was thinking the same thing that Frederic wrote as I read. This is a wonderful, free flowing and waltzing poem. But you put it into a prison when you use "shackle" and "manacle" and "chains". If you use a better choice of words, then I think this poem would be the free, unbridled and gliding poem it was meant to be. Very good so far. But it could be excellent if you "freed" it up.

frederic   frederic wrote
on 7/26/2009 9:36:43 PM
I like the ending. But I don't understand why you're putting on shackles when you need your body free and unfettered to dance. Choose another realm of imagery.

ix
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