Heaven Or Hell

Heaven or Hell

 

 

 

 

 

I stood on the edge of the cliff. I made tiny circles. I kept pacing back and forth. My eyes were going everywhere. But the one thing that had my eye was the drop and the ground. It is so high and it’s a long way down…

          I looked up at the sky. It was so perfect. So surreal. It was the type of sky that photographers would kill for. It was bright baby blue and the clouds had wonderful shapes.

          I picked one certain cloud out and thought: that’s it, that’s heaven.

          I looked down and then up again. I did a circle again, and paced.

          I have been here for hours. But to me, it felt more like minutes.

          I got closer to the edge of the cliff. Being very careful, I made sure that there were no rocks that I could trip on. I had my right foot planted on the ground making sure that it wasn’t going anywhere. I had my left foot off the ground and it was in mid air. I dropped it off edge and playfully swig it around.

          I gently put my foot down on the edge and slowly and sat down on the edge.

I wasn’t smiling, even though in my happier years I would have. And I wouldn’t dare go near an edge.

          But life has pushed me too far. What was I supposed to do?

          I was a seventeen years old who has no family, no friends, and no love at all. I officially let bob Marley down. None of those things were here to stop me.

          I wish everyday I could go back and change my life. I wouldn’t be then. I’m messed up, runaway, pilled girl. I wonder if I did die today, would the people I once loved would know of my passing?

          Today is my day. I have been putting it off way too long. I don’t deserve to live.

          I looked up, and thought; maybe I don’t deserve to go to heaven. Maybe go doesn’t want me. And what happens if my family finds out that I beat them to it? I wonder if I’ll jump off heaven’s cloud too.

          I had or have nothing. No music that made me jump up and kiss somebody, no man that would ever make me happy. I would just grow up and be an old cat lady. So I better save myself now…

          I looked down.

          I looked up.

          Then, again, I looked down.

          Heaven or hell.

          I deserve to go to hell. But yet, I am already in hell. I need to get out that’s why I would give anything to go to heaven.

          I need to get out of here, I need to get out of here, I thought.

          I could hardly see the ground from here.

          The sky is so beautiful. Do it, jump, fall. Heaven. Do it now. Hell. No! Stop making circles. Jump, do it now! Do it! No, stop, I need to think.

          I couldn’t stop from pacing. My head was getting heavy. My heart was beating faster now.

          I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. I drained myself from this past hellful year.

          But then I stopped. The flashback started.

          I was at home in the country. It wasn’t a house, it was a trailer. There was gravel around it but there were little grass and dandy lawns. I had a baseball cap on, I was leaning over, both hands on my knees, a baseball glove in my left hand. I realized I was playing catch. With tom, a boy from one of the trailers. I spit, he smiled. I threw a forceful ball at me. I caught it, feeling the sting it left on my palm. I chewed gum and threw the ball.

          My memory stopped. I didn’t want it to end. I could feel tears starting to work in my eyes. Why did it have to end?

          I didn’t want to jump now.

          I shuttered at the thought of going suicide.

          I couldn’t pull a picture of tom from my mind. Why? Why me?

          Was there anybody out there like me? I remember my sister telling me that once somebody’s life gets stuck in the crapper there is no way to pull it back out.

          Today is my day. The drop didn’t seem so far down now.

          Another flashback started. I gripped the edge of the stone.

          I smiled. I started singing along to a sweet country song. I was at Peggy’s diner, laughing and joking with the town folk and my co-workers. No problems could touch me. I was Wonder Women. I whispered into Kate’s ears about my crush and how he was going to take me to a drive in the movie tonight. I tapped my cowboy boots on the floor, matching the beat to the song that just came on. I smiled, this time just for the loveliness of life. Kate told me how lucky I was. I already knew that. I poured more coffee. I sang more songs. I caught more boys’ eyes.

          Today is not my day, I thought as I pulled out of the memory.

          I paced again.

Maybe I should walk away…no. I can’t.

          Why does life need to be so complicated?

          I look up to find some of my clouds are gone. I knew I was wasting time. But it was hard. Harder then I thought. I woke this morning thinking it would only take five minutes. Just show up and get this thing over with. The flashbacks kept coming. But why? I didn’t want them to come. I really didn’t want them to come. I really didn’t want to be reminded of my happy days. My happy days were scared into my brain. But I also kept them in the back of my head. I would pull them out whenever I needed them. But yet, they always depressed me.

          I couldn’t help but to imagine that right now, more than anything would I love to have Kate’s life.

          I looked down. Now, I was getting drained from thinking to hard. I took a step toward the cliff. I kicked at some dust.

          The dust in my mouth sent a memory through my mind.

          The car was speeding so fast. I turned around, the cops were nipping on are heels. I wasn’t nerves. I was high. My crush hit the break, bringing dust through the window and rushing into my face. He hit the gas but the cops were already on as. My crush threw the joint out the window. I kicked a beer bottle under the seat. He did a very big loose swerve, right into the ditch.

          I closed my eyes, trying not to breathe. I remember it clearly. My crush died in the crash and I got sent to jail.

          I tried to hold back the tears. Half of it was because I lost my happy memories.

          Just now, I had noticed how beautiful the Arizona sky is. Even Arizona’s red dirt. It also became unbearably hot. And I was wearing all black.

          That was one thing for sure, I wasn’t afraid of standing on the edge, looking down.

          There were so many reasons why I was here. Almost as if god sent me. But, did god even want me? The question is impossible to touch. I wondered who is up there watching me right now. Were they screaming at me to jump or walk away?

          Well, there goes my mind again. Distractions.

          I looked down. Then, looking up. I squinted my eyes and the sunshine. It’s too bad I had no soulshine. Nothing to keep me warm inside.

          For all of these years of me wanting or needing something is all going to come together in one single fall.

          Jump! Do it now! Jump! Do it before it’s too late! You don’t deserve to live! Jump! Go! Now! End your hell!

          The person yelling inside my mind was right.

          I turned around looking at my feet. Shaking, I managed to close my eyes. My hands were shaking. My empty heart was beating so fast.

          I look one step back with my left foot. Then, I took another step with my right foot.

          I gracefully fell back. I didn’t leap off.

          My heart leaped out of my chest.

          I didn’t dare open my eyes.

          But, the whole time I fell, I knew I was going to a better place. I was thankful for just that.

 

 


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