I don't want to

When I saw you today

Loading your groceries into your car

I wanted to come say hello

But I couldn't.

I wanted to see how you were doing

But I didn't know how to ask.

I wanted to give you hug

But I thought that'd be weird.

I wanted to do something,

Right then and there

Just so you could look at me

Just so I could feel your eyes on me

Just so you would pay attention to me

But I didn't.

I didn't because...

Well why?

Because I didn't know how to.

I'm fourteen, Nathan.

And your what?


I want to have something with you

I want to feel your arms around me

I want to tell you I love you

And kiss your ear when no one is looking.

I just want you, Nathan,

But I know I won't get you.

I know I won't get you

Because you always look the other way.

You don't see me the way I want you to.

You see me as the awkward homeschooled girl,

Who blushes at everything,

And never knows what to say.

You won't see me as that girl

Who is the one.

You won't see me as that girl

Who will hold you and make all your fears go away.

You won't see me as that girl

Who will turn out to be the love of you life.

You just won't see me.

So why do I waste poems on you?

Why do I think about you day and night?

Why do I get upset everytime I'm told it's just a crush?

Why, Nathan, why?

Because I love you, dammit, that's why.

It's not a happy love.

It's a depressing love.

A love that sends me to tears at night,

A love that makes me want to disappear,

A love that I want to get rid of.

And yet it won't go away,

Because I haven't forced you out yet.

I tried to, and it didn't work.

It left me broken in the corner of my room.

I can't get rid of you, Nathan Williams.

I love you too damn much,

And I don't want to.

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I know I won't get you
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