Rising to an ease..
Things are starting to feel a little better- I've written several blogs in the past few days/weeks and once I got to the end of it I deleted them rather than posting. haha. My paranoid and insane mind playing tricks on me yet again.. I guess it just didn't make sense to put as much out in the open as I had written on this white background, black font. It was all so radical.. back and forth.. crazy suicidal tendencies kinda rambling- not that I'd actually kill myself- Oh no no!!! I couldn't leave my son alone in this world- I don't trust anyone else to raise him! <<<Sad truth. Since I'm not feeling so crazy today- I'd rather just talk about other things instead of explain.
I had a phone interview with a potential job yesterday. Great hours, benefits and pay. It's a brand new position.. I'll be the first of my kind. lol. Which brings a whole new motivation to the table- I stayed up all night with a sudden burst of energy writing out interview Q and A. Took a nap in the middle of the morning hours- then went out for a little kohl's shopping. My son was a terror most of that time tho.. and pissed his pants while in the store. That's always nice. NOT> but it was still nice to do a little shopping- other than groceries.
Today was bright and full of sunshine. Warm weather is coming fast and I could bounce around and dance I'm so happy.. tho winter wasn't bad this year. Not like the past.. global warming may be a real factor here. Eeeeks!  I think this winter was an all time high in temps. Seems that way tho.
Anyways- back to this job... I'm supposed to have a face to  face interview within next week. The woman said they'd call me next week to set it up. Said position would start in first week of April. :)Same pay as what I was making at Cashland- after almost 5 yrs. And GM!! So, that's always a plus. And it's semi monthly- so that adds up to be a little more every month.. because you're not getting those two months a year with an extra pay check involved. I think that might fuck you when it comes to OT tho- not sure how all that works. I've never been paid semi monthly. But, I am super excited. A professional atmosphere again!!!  And good money, etc. And it's a m-f 9-6pm. I'm not a huge fan of waking up early- but... I can train myself to get back in that routine. Plus, it'll be nice to have a set schedule and have sat and sundays off!!! :) Very nice. :)
St. patty's day is next weekend- no plans.. and not planning to make any.. I asked my husband to keep my son that night or find a sitter.. but I doubt that's going to happen!! We had a decent phone conversation today- talked about dating other people, etc. He has had sex with someone- the same chick that tends to always want him back the second I'm out of the picture. BUt he won't date her- won't love her... I think. I don't know. Don't really care. I am not at all jealous... which is another reason I don't think we'll ever get back together. When I asked if they had sex.. he said no. He said they came close, but i could hear the lie in his voice.. the hesitation on telling the truth.. and he said she'd tried several times. haha. just needed to add that in there. /// I told him I miss him, in the sense of the friendship aspect, and that's all. I didn't like saying things that hurt him, but he seemed to take it very well. I told him that I'm talking to someone and that we've kissed- he wasn't too pleased- but didn't freak out. That's a good sign, too. I want us to be civil... but I don't know if this is all going to blow up in my face or not. The facts at hand... that he might be okay for other reasons.. if there's some plot behind it all. I don't know.. but it did feel very nice to have that open conversation with him. I want him to move on, and find happiness. I don't hate him.. regardless of things I've said and felt in the past. I dislike him a great deal- because it seems the devil comes out in him when he's not getting his way. He was calmer this last time around tho.. a good change.. that's for sure.

So, fingers crossed on this job. It's all I've been thinking about. Just because it's motivation! It's something to get me focused and grounded back to the earth again. I feel like I've been floating.. aimlessly here lately. Nothing keeping me stable or secure.. which has messed with my head more than words can describe. More than I even know.
The house is quiet and dark- all is asleep. The dog is having dreams and scratching her paws lightly on the hard wood floor beside the bed.
1am and it's 42 degrees :) I have the window cracked in the bedroom- smoking a last cig before bed. That's another habit I need to break or at least cut WAY down on!! I bought three packs yesterday evening.. and am working on that third pack now. That's ridiculous. It was mostly due to the fact that I didn't sleep last night. I stayed up writing all night.. and chain smoking and writing go hand in hand for me.
A few hits left of this cig and one swig left of soda. I better enjoy.. then turn off the computer and go to sleep. I need some sleep.. and it's already late enough. And the time changed back- so, we lost an hour. I didn't even know this was happening today. haha. That's how far off I am from the real world right now. Other than gas station trips, grocery stores and the occasional trip to Springfield to cruise or visit friends.. I don't get out much. The past two months.. my son and I have been locked in the house it seems. Hopefully tomorrow is nice.. go for a long walk.. possibly to the park for a bit. We need to get out and exercise!!! I am about to crack down hard in the next two weeks.. because I've gained at least ten pounds in the last two months and none of my dress pants fit anymore. Well, they do but barely and that disgusts me!! Can't have it! Won't have it!
Goodnight all.



Comments:
 
peacedream6   peacedream6 wrote
on 3/11/2012 12:22:08 PM
Thank you fir this lovely reading

candyland87
Poetry
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writing candyland87
Life wouldn't be anything without risk taking...

xoxoxo
Just a girl
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