The Worst Flatmates

April and Adam laugh childishly opening their flatmate’s door.


“Mate! This is well funny! What you looking for Adam?”


“Her diary. She’s always writing in it. I just want to know if she likes me.”


“You’re fucking weird! Can’t you just ask her out like a normal boy?”


“Nah. Not yet. I’d feel like a dick if she said no. This way I’ll know for sure.”


“Whatever. Weirdo...”


They pad nervously around her belongings pointlessly.


In a last attempt Adam lifts her pillow.


“Got it!”


They sit on the bed flicking through the pages of scribbles and doodles until they find her most recent entries.


“Hey. Read this!”


‘Today I thought of Adam. Just like everyday. Except my feelings for him have intensified as I realise he’s the one.’


“Fuck April. That’s well heavy. She’ll shag me though yeah?”


“Shut up a minute. Read this. She’s not right in the head.”


I love him. I breathe him in every day and imagine he sleeps next to me.’


Turning the page they see a lock of Adam’s hair cello taped to a page. His aftershave had been sprayed underneath. Horrified, Adam stands up and stands on something that makes a loud, squeaky noise. He looks down and an inflated, plastic hand waves at him. He tugs it and a whole blow up person emerges. It’s him. An amateur, DIY version. It’s unmistakeably a model of himself, with a mask of his face made from a picture of him stuck to a paper plate. April reads out loud.


Soon he will be MINE forever and these lustful feelings of wanting him will be satisfied. When April moves out at the end of this month I’ll make my move. I’ll have him the quickest way possible. Severing his spine with gusto so as not to make it too painful. Then I can rid myself of play Adam and sleep with the real thing. He won’t be able to love me back equally but at least he’ll be mine. God? Is this wrong?  ’


“April. I’m going to be sick.”


They stare at each other in a panic. A key sounds in the front door. They turn to run but there’s nowhere to go in time. In she steps. She can see them both right at her bed and her face turns scarlet. First with embarrassment, then with a blind rage. She lets out an anguished scream and hurtles forward. Reaching for a blunt object Adam fingers a shot glass. He shuts his eyes and throws despairingly. It hits her right between the eyes. She falls backwards, hitting her head on the wardrobe. Blood spills out of her open head.  Several minutes pass as the room floods with blood. They watch her take her last breath. April whimpers.

Ezy_scorpio   Ezy_scorpio wrote
on 10/5/2011 11:53:57 PM
Holy cow...

jheld   jheld wrote
on 10/28/2010 7:41:01 PM
Lots of telling. Sure, it's a short piece, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't develop the character's feelings more. We know the scene, and everything flows well pace wise, but I wasn't really feeling much more than that, aside from the obvious disgust at the diary entries. Have I seen worse writing? Oh yes, for sure. I'm glad that you didn't make this longer, but I wish I could have felt the scene better, possibly with more suspense. Also, the opening sentences tell very little about the scene. 7/10, if I were to rate it numerically. Remember, 7 isn't all that bad, just not amazing.

Short Story
writing astrid
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Rating: 8.0/10