Unfinished Thoughts
I have several unfinished writings on my page. They are pieces of driftwood unvarnished and rough. They cut me with their unfinished thoughts. A few I have lost interest in as if once thought out they no longer needed expressing. Others are still too jagged and pain filled to venture back into. These unfinished thoughts are representative of all my unfinished business that is choking me now. I feel the emotions unexpressed fighting to get out. I feel them in my throat and belly churning making me struggle to breathe or think. God knows, I don't want to face these things. My mind knows, I have to choose to face them or they will keep poisoning my life. My heart is fearful of the all the pain and anguish. I fear for my sanity or I feared for my sanity back then, that's why I buried those feelings.
These unfinished thoughts are terrorists holding my psyche hostage to old hurts and fears. I'm grown and have raised my own kids. It's time to face these terrorists. I am such an adept procrastinator. What a liar! I profess to want to face them, I'm a coward cowering in the shadows terrified of something that can only hurt me when I choose to not process them.
I'm afraid of the murderous anger that scared me. I could so visualize committing murder. I didn't want to leave my kid an orphan. I was so young. I didn't want to give up my life for a creep and liar. The devastation wracked me with self-doubt and lack of confidence. I went around apologizing to everyone as if I had no right to live or be. I would say "I'm sorry." every few minutes. It took me year before I broke myself of that habit. I don't apologize for my existence any more.
I recently found that person on Facebook. I found what he's been doing with his life. I felt betrayed by the lies he told all over again. I felt resentful of his happiness and perceive easy road, then my husband reminded me of happiness in my life and all the great people, places, and experiences of the past 20 years that I would not have experienced, if I had taken that other journey. While my journey has been fraught with many hurdles to leap, I have my best life.
Which brings me back to unfinished thoughts, do I surrender one more minute, one more day or one more year to these unfinished thoughts that do not serve me? What do I choose? I choose LIFE, LAUGHTER AND LOVE!!!!!! I choose to breathe out all that junk and live my life as I'm meant to with love and laughter.
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Writing about living my life out loud. I want to write a series of essays on my experiences.
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Synopsis
I'm working through some very traumatic experiences that I did not fully process. I am processing them now.
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