“Would you like some toast?”

We were sitting at the breakfast table, ever since mum died he insisted we have breakfast every morning, though before it didn’t matter.

“Not really“ he grunted, avoiding my eyes.

I bit my lip, buttering the toast in an absent minded way, thinking. He had never refused breakfast since before mum died, he had always insisted we have breakfast, like she used to.

“Coffee?”

“No, thank you.” he snapped and I looked up to see him studying me.

I set my knife down and clasped my hands in my lap.

“What is it dad?”

He swallowed and cleared his throat, avoiding my eyes.

“I saw your laptop this morning.” he replied and I rolled my eyes.

“So?”

He remained silent for a while then rested his arms on the table across from me.

“Richie, you cant seriously think that I wont suspect anything when you are watching stuff like that…”

“Dad!” I laughed hysterically, nervously. “Dad, just because I watch it doesn’t mean im gay, loads of people watch that show!”

I cursed myself to the corner of the closet for that, now would be a really easy time to tell him, but I couldn’t do it, it would be easier since we were on the subject, but would it be the right time to tell him?

I closed my eyes and took a look at him.

He was grimacing.

“im sorry, its just you are so closed up, since your mother died…”

I shook my head.

“Look, don’t mention it. Its okay.” I glanced at the clock and stood up, grabbing my bag and throwing my blazer over the shoulder. “I’ve got to go. Sorry to leave this mess, but I have a counsel session with Miss Bryant this morning.”

I kissed him on the forehead the left through the backdoor, eager to avoid lying to him any longer today.

*****

“Grace I need to talk to you.”

Grace Alton, the only friend that knew of my double life, and it was apparent she hated it.

“Look Richie, if its about gay stuff..”

I ignored her as we walked through the grey jungle that was the courtyard of Ash Tree High. Students were hanging around laughing , joking, fighting, screaming, kissing, hugging, pushing and everything you would expect of the adolescent crowd.

“Listen, I nearly came out to my dad today…”

“Ugh, Richie. I thought I told you lesbian stuff creeps me out. Jesus, and to think I let you stay around my house in my own room! Anything could have happened!”

I growled and whispered furiously back at her.

“Grace, just because im a lesbian doesn’t make me a rapist!”

She looked up at me furiously and perhaps a little fear was around those grey eyes.

We had been best friends in primary school, inseparable, and now she thought that was because I loved her. She thought I was gay because of her! And even if that were true, shouldn’t she at least revel in the attention and fake infatuation? Grace was an attention seeker, but I didn’t see that hating me was getting her more looks from the guys than if she were to accept it. Well if that’s how it was, I still had not choice. I had to keep in her good books otherwise I would be out, she would tell absolutely everyone and probably spin some lies about how I checked everyone out in the changing room.

“No, it makes you a freak.” she spat and stalked off, then turned back to me. “By the way, Mrs Bryant was looking for you.”

I sighed. She was the only other person who knew about my sexuality, but she adopted a less homophobic frame of mind.

I knocked on the door, leaning against the frame, re thinking Grace’s words and my father’s facial expressions that morning.

“Come in, ah Richie. You’re a little early…”

I shrugged, sitting down in the chair opposite her.

“Grace told me you wanted to see me.”

Mrs Bryant was a young lady, into liberal thinking and the new, modern way of society. She was thin, with pretty hot legs and hair like fire.

The auburn locks flowed around her head like a lions mane, her green eyes sparkling and her lashes long. She smiled in a sideways fashion and sometimes I had troubles recalling my thoughts when she looked up from her desk and said “how do you feel about that?”

She nodded.
“Yes, I did want to see you, only because we had an appointment and I didn’t know whether you would remember. Now.” she clicked her pen and put her thin glasses on the tip of her straight nose. “is there anything you would like to discuss?”

I took a deep breath.

“I nearly ended up being out to my father this morning.”

She raised her eyebrows and gave me a smirk.

“What do you mean nearly?”

I began to explain the whole thing and my late night re-run watching of American lesbian dramas.

She frowned when I got to the part at breakfast.

“But, how can he possibly know im a lesbian from what I watch on TV?” I asked as if the whole thing were ludicrous, which in my opinion it was.

She sighed and took her glasses off.

“Richie, your not exactly the most inconspicuous are you?”

I frowned at her and smiled.

“what do you mean?”

“Your father seems like a clever man, who can put two and two together and more than usual come out with four. Let me explain this.” she rested her chin on her hands. “He see’s you come home weighed down somehow, by criticism and the oppression of the closed minds of modern society, you don’t exactly talk about boys much to me or anyone and you definitely don’t do what a girly girl would, you work on engines with your father, you skateboard, climb trees, the step up from a tomboy Richie. Your father is clever, and im sure he isn’t close minded, maybe you should talk about this with him.”

I shook my head but she held her hand up.

“now now, Richie, maybe it will help you. Maybe being more open is what you need.”

I thought about Grace and laughed.

“Trust me, being openly gay is the last thing on my to do list.” I grabbed my bag and stood up as Bryant shuffled her papers.

She gave me a sympathetic smile and winked as I walked to the door.

“Think about it. Oh and Lisbon is has a new girl, maybe you should show her round, take your mind off things, kay?”

I smiled, my hand on the door handle then nodded, thinking to myself.,

“Yeah. Maybe. See Miss Bryant.”

“have a nice day Richie.” she replied in an absent minded way, re reading some charts. I opened the door and walked out into the horribly drab corridors of Ash-Tree High.