wow girl, heavy, you gots to forgive yourself, the punishment is way to extreme for even law enforcement officers, they call that sort of punishment "overkill" and it is a criminal offense. Seeking intention seeks fault, and fault can not solve problems, finding fault with yourself is not noble and finding fault with others is not helpful, and looking for fault is too painful, because fault is not a problem solver only a problem particular, which in particular, dillutes possible solutions, which in this case is a long overdue forgiveness toward yourself. No longer will you allow your emotions to be dictated to you from others, no longer will you overlook the fact that humans make mistakes all the time; only to ignore the mistake through time instead of learning from it through time. When Thomas Edison was told that he should quit trying to make the light bulb, by virtue of his 10,000 failed attempts, he replied, " This is not an example of failure for I have learned 10,000 ways to not make a lightbulb, a profound success in my eyes". Don't forget how much you mean to you as wellas you mean to your children, teach the future generations how to do the same, for there are no teachers nearly as effective as a mother, and in that capacity there is no child that would hold a mother guilty for doing her best. Teaching your child that unique ability to forgive yourself, something that no one else in this world would do for your children or even would know how to do for themselves, let alone someone elses children. Lovingly recognizing what your own precious cargo is in for while growing up, and preparing them accordingly, teaching them all things yo we'rent taught, giving back your most intimate thoughts to the people that you feel most intimate towards. this self-healing skill needs to be taught to those close to you so that they don't grow up and make the same mistakes you did, having that forthought is what is so special about mom, so irreplaceable, and so absolutely essential for every child to experience. best wishes, Convinced