Sepia Sunset

The Sun rose

On childhood words

And immature games.

The rays were warm

And our hearts heated.

In dew heavy grass

Our hands met,

Light to touch,

Intense with intent.

 

Shy eyes fought to meet,

But when they did,

Wild horses couldn’t

Rip them away.

You were mine;

After a minute's attention didn’t sway.

 

We bounded in

New territory founded.

Under clothes

Coy hands fumbled.

Followed by reassuring words; mumbled.

Affection from our mouths stumbled,

But our love rarely did.

 

When they yelled

I was the rock you held.

When I cried and screamed

You waded through salty streams

And saved me.

It was always we.

Now years roll by,

And I still ask why,

You didn’t follow me to

Our Sepia Sunset.


Comments:
 
Oz   Oz wrote
on 11/7/2012 9:26:25 AM
Hey Remusea, i think you are totally right; it should be minute's, i think. Thanks for all of your comments aswell and for reading my writing.

Remusea   Remusea wrote
on 11/6/2012 6:18:32 PM
Great imagery :) question, though. I'm far from a grammar expert...VERY far from it... but in the last line of the second stanza, "After a minutes attention didn't sway" shouldn't it be "minute" or "minute's," not "minute"? I may be totally wrong but it doesn't look right to me.

Rinskinski   Rinskinski wrote
on 9/16/2011 3:55:17 AM
Incredible imagery!

Starlingpoet   Starlingpoet wrote
on 8/21/2011 2:36:44 AM
Love the title. Just wondering about line #9 - when you say: Our hands met, Light to touch, Intense with intent. When you say- their hands are light to touch, then the word intense doesn't seem to fit for me. I will just give you an example to use instead: Our hands met, Light to touch, Steady with intent. Just a suggestion. Love line #10. Lines #12 and 13 are kind of cliche: Wild horses couldn’t Rip them away. These lines have been used so many times that I think it takes away from the originality of your poem. You could either change the lines or even leave them out altogether. Again just a suggestion. Line #17 I think should just be "found" and it will read smoother as well. Line #19 should just be "fumble" - the rhyming is not through the rest of your poem so it takes away from the power of your words. Line #20, you could leave off "mumbled" so that there is not so much rhyming in the one stanza. The last stanza is perfect! Love that you ended it with the words the same as the title! Please take - if anything is helpful and leave - whatever is not. I really enjoyed your poem and critiqued it because I thought it was so great! Do not take it as criticism as I am only meaning to be helpful. Please visit my page sometime and give me your honest thoughts on my writing as well! Thanks.

roadtripper523   roadtripper523 wrote
on 8/19/2011 11:51:25 AM
OKAY. Now i'm going to selfish and ask that you return the favor & read my writings and comment as well :).. how i the weather in Ireland today? BTW, "dark and demented" I read your last poem and comment and am curious as to whether you're changing your sign-on name...

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Synopsis
love loss.
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