Shopping Rant VER 200.0

I don’t shop. I don’t browse. I don’t purview. In almost each and every case where I go out to buy stuff, I know where the stuff is, and how much the stuff will cost.  There are items I will almost always need once a week or so, and I know where they are, how much they cost, and almost always there are no booby traps or venomous snakes hiding behind any of these items.


As an aside from this rant, I once went to the grocery store and someone had hidden a rubber snake under some produce. The woman who picked up the bag of grapes and found it screamed “SHIT!”  Her brain kicked in a split second later and she turned a bright red color.  I tried not to laugh.  No, really, I did.


I understand the elderly. I understand the infirm. I understand the people who for lack of the mental facilities must stop in the middle of the aisle and stare at an item as if their gaze in and of itself might bring resolution to their needs. I understand that some people just love walking around a store and taking in the sights. No, actually I don’t understand that a damn bit.


Hence, the rant.


I have two choices, and two choices only; I can shop locally in Quitman, and the one grocery store, or I can shop in Valdosta at the big chain store.  I much rather go to the big chain store because there are fewer Lost Souls there. It is more crowded, but I can actually get in, checkout, and be gone without some social meltdown stopping me dead in my tracks.  The prices aren’t that much different and the selection is better, too.  But Valdosta is twenty-five miles away. I have to shop locally on occasion, and when I do, it’s much like entering some consumer Twilight Zone.


I’ve never seen, or rather heard anything like what happens in this store. It’s a local chain, with maybe ten or twelve stores scattered about the area, and they have their own in store radio station. The station doesn’t alert shoppers to the latest bargain, nor does it inform as to what might be on sale tomorrow, or next week. Instead it exhorts the store’s virtues in a general form.  It’s propaganda to a captive audience, but the people listening to the commercial are already in the store! Are they trying to keep us from making a break towards the exit, or do they want, perhaps, for us to just set up and live there? I’m in the store. Shut up.


Yet the store itself seems to be populated with people in no particular hurry or reason to be there at all.  They shuffle around the store like zombies shopping for spare parts. Brains aisle three! Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.  Let two of the zombie shufflers meet mid aisle and  it’s best just to go the long way around them.  I did that one day. I turned around, went back down the aisle, took a left, then another left, and went alllll the way around someone blocking the aisle, just to keep from having to get around the woman and her brace of kids. When I arrived on the other side she gave me a dirty look. What? Was I suppose to let you waste my time a little while longer before you decided to gain control of your kids, or your buggy, or your brain? Was there in fact, some difference between one can of tomatoes and another so totally vast that we all should wait for your wisdom to kick in, like a hushed audience at some golf tournament?


*whispering golf announcer* Yes, ladies and gentlemen here at aisle three we have Brenda Zombie about to decide on a can of tomatoes. Last week she was looking at Hunt’s but this week it might be Del Monte. She was out of action most of last year giving birth to her third child in the store’s bathroom but she picked up right where she left off in aisle four, I tell you she’s a real pro.”


Okay, I know moms have to take their kids with them or duct tape them to the wall, but if you have more than two or three might you keep them from forming some sort of preschooler barricade at the grocery store? Is it possible for kids to stand close together, or at least scatter out so someone could pass. For a split second I saw one of the kids standing in the Aisle like Gandolf in Moria,and  I thought the little bugger might scream, “You shall not pass!”


Where is a Balrog when you really need one?



Rant ends,


penname   penname wrote
on 6/10/2008 4:32:10 AM
Mike...I got a lemon photo frame that costs $7.21

penname   penname wrote
on 6/10/2008 4:30:50 AM
that was a great story wundermom. i liked that. very interesting. though i hope our soldier's families get some benefits adequate enough to help the grieving widows and families and prevent them from having to work at a supermarket after their spouses have served this country so well.

Wundrmom44   Wundrmom44 wrote
on 6/9/2008 10:52:13 PM
I thought this was relevant, you let me know... Okay? I read an article in a magazine just the other day, about a fellow who had served some time in Iraq. He was having some anger management issues upon his return home, and was involved in some therapy to help him with his perception of the different situations where he might lose his temper, and the following scenario was retold... This man is at the super market and he has selected his groceries. He takes a place in line behind a woman with a baby, not the express lane, but still, you know, lets move it along. The whole thing is taking way too long as the two women are chatting it up and then.... The customer with the baby hands the him to the cashier, who then proceeds to coo and adore the little tike while our angry veteran feels his blood begin to boil. Then he remembers something he learned from his therapy. He tries to simply back off of those feelings, he looks at the beautiful baby and notices how happy the little guy is and before he knows it... it's his turn. He says to the cashier... "That certainly was a beautiful child." To which the cashier responds... "Oh thank you, he is mine. That was my mom, the baby stays with her while I work. I don't get to see him much, I have to work full time now, since my husband was killed in Iraq." I don't know about anyone else. I lose my patience all the time. With my kids and my husband mostly, but I remember being that mother with the kids you spoke of, one kid in particular I wished I could have kept on a leash. As a matter of fact... a man at the market once suggested that to me, and I'm afraid I responded in a less than lady like fashion. Maybe patience is a bad way to word it... makes it sound like you have to be a saint, or Job, or something. Maybe tolerance is a better word. I don't know, I'm just talking to be talking I guess. Have a good night... Kristina

Mike Firesmith   Mike Firesmith wrote
on 6/9/2008 4:45:32 AM
Hi Pen, Lemons are always the first to die. I wouldn't want a seven hundred dollar picture frame, unless there was a picture of you in it. *wink*

penname   penname wrote
on 6/8/2008 8:08:15 PM
my favorite was the mom with the three boys who had on roller skates skating at full icehockey speed through the produce aisle...and yes, lemons came a tumbling. Zoom, kid number 1, crash, kid number 2, and kid number three who was about 6 could hardly skate but still managed to crash into the frozen freezer plexiglass door. I think some folks who browse, peruse, window shop, linger, stroll are pretty masochistic- they get enjoyment of looking at lots of things they won't ever have or can afford to have. I should know, I do it myself. Oh wow, that $700 picture frame is lovely...wish I had it. I know I can't so let's go further so I can see the even prettier frames down here with the awesome knick knacks that I too can't afford- or even if I could ,it's so impractical that I'd be an idiot to buy it. So let me just enjoy it here momentarily in the department store. Okay, back to the kids...I wonder if they were rollerskating in the ER lobby too. yeah, uhm, that's me.

Mike Firesmith
Special Interest
writing Mike Firesmith
I write
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A Rant, A Rave, A Little Crazed.