The Story Of Caleb

Chapter One

Please stop!! No............ Please don't do this to me again.......
That was me, scared, pathetic me after my rd nightmare last night. I just despair at what to do to block them out, these voices in my head that plague my every sub-conscious thought. They are taking over me, I'm losing all control and I'm scared, so scared. I just wish someone could take it all away. Why is my life this way?? What did I do that was so bad that I'm being punished in this way??.........
Lets go back to the start, back to the beginning, to the time when I was just an ordinary happy child. Back to the time that I didn't have to worry about the voices in my head.
I was born in the year 1980 and given the name Caleb. I was an only child, a longed for child after my parents countless failed attempts.I was loved,the apple of my fathers eye. We did everything together, just dad and me. I loved it, he was my hero. A hero because of his job. His job was to go out into the world and protect us all from the horrors that wanted to take over . Protect us all from people who were prepared to kill everyone that got in their way. My dad helped to keep them away, to keep them from hurting anyone. You see my dad was a soldier, a great one. However, my happiness ended  when I was around 11 years old. I hadn't seen my dad for what seemed like months, I kept asking my mum where he was and why he wasn't here. My mum said he was busy saving us all, busy in a far away country fighting big, courageous battles and that is all I got, that is all my mum would tell me. I was getting increasingly anxious as to when my beloved dad would arrive home to his big heroes' welcome, and so one day after school I went straight to my mum and simply asked her "When is dad back?" My mum turned and looked at me with her tear filled eyes!! "I'm sorry Caleb my boy your dad has gone to heaven." Whoa. "He will always be with you Caleb" she said "In your heart... I'm sorry sweetie. He loved you very much." My dad was dead.....My hero, my world  dead because of the horrible people he was battling against to keep me and the rest of the  world safe. I couldn't move or speak. A massive hole had opened in my heart, a hole that was once filled with the love of a father.I don't really remember much else of that day.I was numb and sad. Sad to the very core of my soul. Dad got the heroes' welcome home he deserved and I hoped that his spirit was at peace. I knew he would have hated all the fuss if he was here, but mum wanted to do it right, she said it brought her closure, so I tried to smile for her, even though inside i was screaming. The next few years were a blur,I didn't want to go to school, hang with my friends, but i had no choice mum said i needed to try to move on with my life and be happy again. Happy!! How could I be happy? I couldn't shake this utter emptiness and sadness. All I wanted was my dad and the life we all once had. I didn't feel safe out in the big, scary world without my dad to protect me. My mum was worried, always moaning at me to go out and be a boy, have fun. I didn't want to be around my friends as they were never going to understand how I felt or what I was going through. Mum said over and over that my dad wouldn't want me to sit here in the dark all day and not finish school properly and make something of my life. She didn't understand that the further away from home I went the less I felt my dad around me . At least at home I could still feel his presence, I felt he was still with me in some way.... I felt safe when I was at home.
My mum did her best to try to understand what I was feeling. It was hard for her since dad but she "loved me" and "would do whatever it took" to get her boy back. So when I was about 13 years old my mum took me to church with her. I hated going to church didn't know if i believed in a God, after all mums  God let my dad die and left us like this, torn apart. We sat at the altar for what seemed like an eternity while mum prayed to her God to help her. She wanted to  know how to heal me, how to cope with the grief. That moment kneeling in front of the altar is the first day i heard them......... The first time the voices inside my head spoke to me............. From that day on my life would never be the same.......
A few years later my mum gave in, gave up, she just didn't know how to help me, no one did. She was at a crossroads. I had been everywhere my mum could think of for help. Doctors, psychologists, different methods of therapy but not one thing helped me or diminished my grief. My mum  packed her bags and left me, all alone. She told me that she couldn't watch me like this, in this state. I was 16. I was all alone!!
I was completely broken, I just didn't know what to do. here I was a young, scared 16 year old with no place to go. Mum said I had 2 weeks to sort myself out as she hadn't paid the rent so I would be kicked out onto the streets. So now I was homeless and parent-less!!!!
I camped out that first night in my dads study as I tried to keep the voices in my head quiet. They were mocking me, telling me I was pathetic and nobody wanted me. Was I ever going to be free of these voices that were determined to take what was left of my sanity? I lasted by myself in a house full of memories for 2 days then I just couldn't take it any longer, I had to leave and get away. I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do I just found myself walking the streets of London in a daze. People didn't even glance my way, they just carried on with their lives. I started sleeping rough and I just remember being so hungry it was unbelievable. That's when the trouble began! I started going into shops and eating things, gathering things in my hoodie and just walking out. I think I did this for a few days before I was caught, I cant really remember as time just rolled by. The first time I was caught and I explained why I was on the streets the police officer felt sorry for me and suggested I go find a hostel where they gave out food rather than stealing but I was stupid and instead of following his advice I just went back to being alone, after all that is what I am best at and so as you can imagine it wasn't long before I ended up back in the police station where I wasn't so fortunate this time. I was charged with theft and shoplifting. I was given 1 year in a detention centre for young offenders as punishment for stealing. To say  I hated it would be a great understatement!!!
I realized after just a few hours that the other kids had set up a hierarchy within the centre and as I was the newest member I was at the bottom of this hierarchy, which meant I got everything imaginable thrown my way. The group bullied me relentlessly, beat me up, jeered at me, spat in my food, everything they could think of to make my life in the centre a living nightmare. I reached out to the staff that worked there but they just told me to rise above it and just to ignore them. "Keep your head down and do your time" is all the advice they gave me.  I was having nightmares every night, horrible nightmares of loss and emptiness. Emptiness that ripped out my soul and went straight to the core. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I just wanted to die as I figured that death was better than living. I thought that by dying then no one would have to put up with me, pretend to feel sorry for me and act like they cared. So after about 4 months of being confined in the detention centre I decided that enough was enough. I needed to do something to quieten the voices and relieve this pain. I couldn't see past the pain. It was like I was in a different reality. All these horrible, painful thoughts completely consumed me. All I knew right then and there was that I just wanted all the pain and anguish to disappear. I was desperate!! In that moment I felt like I had no control over my body. I don't remember how I found myself on the roof of the detention centre, I was just there, shaking, scared with all these negative thoughts going round and round in my head. I don't even remember shuffling my feet right to the edge and peering over the side, all I could think about was making everything go away, the grief, the emptiness, the heartache, the bullying and most of all the voices. The next moment all I saw was darkness and then nothing!!!!

Chapter Two

2 months later...
"Where am I? Is this hell?" I heard a voice ask, but I couldn't pin where exactly it was coming from. "No sweetie this isn't hell, you are in a specialist psychiatric ward, you have been in a coma for a while, I'm glad your awake I was starting to worry" explained a soothing, calm voice.
"Psychiatric ward?? I'm confused, I don't understand!"  A wave of panic swept over me. "What happened to me? Why cant I remember what happened. Do you know who I am and why I came to be here? Please help me to remember!!" Was this me talking, pleading with the woman with the soothing voice? I didn't know..
"Awe sweetie of course I will help you if I can. I don't know all that happened to bring you here but I will try to help piece things together for you." The nurse walked over towards me, I could here her getting closer. Then she was there smiling down at me, stroking my hair out of my face. "You were brought here from St George's hospital where you had been placed in a coma to help your brain recover from the injury you sustained"  The nurse started to tell me the story. "You were rushed to the emergency room In a life threatening condition after you jumped off the roof of the detention centre you were housed in. They said your name was Caleb and you jumped trying to kill yourself." She looked like she was upset, why is she upset? She is just a nurse,she doesn't know me. At least I think she doesn't know me, I cant be sure seeing as I don't know who I am anymore. Its like everything has gone blank. "What is wrong with me? Why cant I remember what happened and why it happened? I'm scared, I don't even know my name!!" I cried. I needed to know why. "You suffered a severe and complex brain injury that the specialists were certain you wouldn't survive. Its a miracle you can even talk. Someone up there must be your guardian angel. They said age was on your side and the fact that you are young and healthy helped. Unfortunately you have been diagnosed with psychogenic amnesia and psychological repression".
"Whoa..... so basically I cannot remember anything because of the injury?" Is this a permanent thing? Will I ever regain my memories" My panic levels and anxiety are through the roof. All I have is blankness and its very quiet inside my head.
"I'm sorry sweetie, its such a sad thing. I'm afraid I'm not an expert in this subject and I'm sure your specialist would be better suited to answer these questions. Would you like me to go and see if he is free to come and chat, I'm sure he would be happy to help you, he's been waiting for the day you woke up" I nodded, even though I was having trouble getting my head around it all and I was very disorientated I needed to get to the bottom of everything and now was better then waiting.
"Be right back" I heard the nurse say as she left the room.
A short time later a man oozing authority entered my recovery room. "Hey there Caleb, how are you feeling?" he asked. "Confused" was all I could say "With your condition that's to be expected, but I will help you to hopefully feel less confused. Mind if I sit?" the doctor pointed to the bottom of the bed. "Sure" I replied. "Great! Thanks my feet are killing, it feels good to finally sit and relax for a while" the doctor smiled at me which made me feel more at ease. "My name is Professor Wrigley, but to my friends I'm known as Peter. I'm a  Clinical Neuropsychologist and a specialist in brain injury and Neuro recovery. You have what I would call Post-Traumatic Amnesia. This is a state of confusion or memory loss that can occur following a traumatic brain injury. This explains why you are feeling disoriented."
"Is this permanent? Please say I will regain my memories again and stop feeling like this?" I felt uneasy again.
"This type of amnesia is hardly ever permanent Caleb. I'm confident that given time and with the right therapy you will recover. I hope this makes you feel a little better. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you Caleb, you are young and this is all a lot to comprehend."  Professor Wrigley was smiling and I could see from his eyes that he felt sorry for me. I didn't know why. "What about the other condition the nurse mentioned? Psycho Amnesia??"  That got a chuckle from the doctor and the kind nurse who I had forgotten about.  "Psychogenic Amnesia you mean Caleb! Would you like me to explain a little more about that? I can try and keep it simple for you as it is quite baffling for a young person like yourself?"
"Yes please I need to know everything and whether I will be this way for ever" I said, worryingly. I didn't really want to know anymore, it was too much to grasp but I would rather it all be said now then I could try and focus on getting myself out of this place. I mean don't get me wrong the last few hours since I awoke have been nice because the nurse and Professor Wrigley seem genuine and have been more than nice to me, but I just cant imagine why I would be in a Psych Ward. They must think I'm unstable somehow, maybe that explains how I ended up with this brain injury, I must have had reason to jump from the roof?? I needed to get my memories back as soon as possible, its driving me crazy not having a clue....
Professor Wrigley continued with his explanation although because I drifted off I had to ask him to start again
"We can continue later on Caleb if you are tired. Rest is important for your recovery. I don't want you exhausting yourself?"
"No!!" I said " I need to know everything there is to know and I would rather do it now. I will rest after. Please just start again and explain it all to me"
"Sure thing Caleb..... Psychogenic Amnesia is a condition where your memories from before your brain injury occurred are often completely lost. This is partly to do with the psychological regression of unpleasant memories, and partly because your memories may be completely encoded if the event which caused your injury interrupts the normal brain process from short-term to long-term memory transfer. Stress brought on by a traumatic event can actually lead to a long-term physical reduction in the volume of an organ within the brain which is involved in the making and processing of your memories."
The professor was doing his best to explain things to me in a way I could understand, but to be honest I am even more confused. "So, basically what you are saying is that there is something stopping me from remembering certain things and events because it is too traumatic?" "Yes Caleb, that's right. I'm glad you are starting to understand, I was getting worried that at your young age it would be too complicated but you are a very bright, intelligent young chap aren't you? Would you like me to continue?"
"Yes" I answered
" I believe you have a specific type of Psychogenic Amnesia known as Situation-specific Amnesia, as a result of a severely stressful event and we can treat it like PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I believe that the stressful events of your past and what led up to the incident which caused your injury are the main reason why you are now experiencing these brain conditions affecting your memories.  Over time you will find that your brain will start to replay these experiences through flashbacks and nightmares, You may also notice that you may become hyper vigilant towards things, and you may also have difficulty in staying asleep or even falling asleep.
Are you still with me Caleb? If its all getting too much I can leave you alone?"
"I'm ok Professor, I'm starting to feel a little better the more you explain to me. Please carry on!"
"Okay Caleb. As I was saying  psychogenic amnesia is an act of self-preservation, where the alternative might be overwhelming anxiety or even suicide. Unpleasant, unwanted or psychologically dangerous memories are repressed or blocked from entering the consciousness as a kind of subconscious censorship, but they remain in the unconscious. Neurologically, normal memory processing is then blocked by an imbalance of stress hormones in the brain, particularly in the part of the brain that is responsible for memory processing. These repressed memories may be recovered automatically months or years after the event. For example a particular memory could be triggered by a certain smell, taste etc. We could also use therapy to help recover your memory as psychogenic amnesia is psychological rather than something physically wrong. Your repressed memories may be accessed by undergoing  psychotherapy, hypnotism or other techniques." Finally the professor paused so I could ask him another question.. "Doc, does this all explain why I cant remember my own name or where I come from?"
"That's a good question Caleb.  People who suffer from Psychogenic Amnesia also tend to lose their biographical memories, sometimes to such an extent that they are not able to remember their own name or where they live. Remembering the events that took place before the traumatic incident are also lost, but usually a persons ability to create new memories remains unchanged. These episodes of Psychogenic Amnesia can last just a few hours or a few months, however severe cases are very rare Caleb so that is why with medication and therapy we can hope to get you back to being a normal 16 year old again. Does that sound like a plan or what, hey!" Professor Wrigley smiled. "Get some rest now Caleb we will discuss the next step in a few more days. For now all I want you to concentrate on is sleeping and relaxing.. Doctors orders. I need to go make some enquires about you with the police, nothing for you to worry about, I'm just curious as to how you came to be here and where your parents are. See you soon mate"
I had no trouble following doctors orders. I felt like I could sleep and sleep even though I had been in a deep sleep for months. All this information and medical jargon was just too much to comprehend at the moment. I'm glad the professor wanted to find out more about me. I wanted to find out more about me too. All I know is what he has told me. I wonder if I have parents and if I do I wonder why they let me get into this state. A lot of questions needed answers and I sure hoped the mysteries of my life would be solved very soon so I can just go back home and out of this clinical smelling, white walled room. If only I knew where my "home" was........

Chapter Three

I woke with a start, I had a feeling someone was watching me. When I had adjusted my vision and began to focus more clearly I realized I was still lying in a bed looking up at the ceiling. True to my instinct someone was there, a woman. She was wearing a nurses uniform and then it all came back, where I was. The woman was the nurse from the last time I was awake, the kind one with the soothing, friendly voice. She must have noticed me awaken because all of a sudden she came across the room and looked over me with a smile. "Hey there sleepy how are you feeling today? Hope you feel a little more at ease after yesterday." " I'm feeling much better thank you ........ I'm sorry I cant remember your name" "OH, sorry sweetie I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Nancy and I'm a specialist nurse, entrusted with watching over you while Professor Wrigley is busy finding out more about you. You remember Professor Wrigley?" "Yes, sure he seems like he knows what he's talking about"  I replied. it suddenly hit me that my belly was growling at me. "Urm.....would I be able to get something to eat. My belly is sore, think I need some food!" "Gosh sweetie I would expect you could eat and eat. I will have to go check with Professor Wrigley and see what I can come up with. You sit tight, Peter...I mean Professor Wrigley will be along soon I will get him to bring food in with him" Nancy busied herself cleaning up the few bits of equipment before she left. The room was still and quiet. I was fed up of lying down, when the doc comes I am going to request I can change position. Man I could do with fresh air, some good food and conversation to abolish the quiet.
A while later Professor Wrigley entered the room. I could tell it was him without trying to move to find out because of the way his footsteps sounded on the floor, loud and authoritative, they were in striking contrast to Nancy's, hers where quiet and nimble and you hardly knew she was there. His jolly voice brought me back consciously into the room. "Good Morning Caleb, I brought supplies"  as he neared the bed he raised his arms and I saw Burger King bags. "Yum" I guess he brought food. "You and me must have been thinking the same thing Caleb. I was coming into work and thought of you when I drove through the Burger King. I hope your hungry Caleb? I didn't know what sort of things you enjoyed eating so I just got you what I always order. Big Mac and chips with a Fanta. Is that okay mate?" "Thanks doc I'm going to enjoy this, would you be able to sit me up first?" "Oh, yes of course. One minute then you can tuck in."
As soon as the doc adjusted my position in the bed i tucked into the food. It was all gone in no time. My belly instantly felt better and full. "Thanks Doc it was kind of you. I would have been happy with anything. You didn't have to go to so much trouble just for me" Professor Wrigley batted the air "Its no big deal buddy, i wanted you to enjoy your first lot of food seeing as we have been tube feeding you whilst you were in your coma and trust me that food would have been horrid. Glad you enjoyed it."
I wanted to ask the doc some more questions about me. I needed to try and piece together who I am. I looked at him quizzically "You have something on your mind Caleb? You can ask me anything and I will tell you. I have an hour until i see my next patient so if there is more you need to know then don't be afraid to ask. You are safe here Caleb, we are taking good care of you."
" I was just wondering if you managed to find out information about my identity and where i come from. Its bugging me so much that i cant remember. Its like my brain doesn't want to remember."
"I received a report from the police concerning you Caleb. I was reading it last night and i can now see why your brain is blocking your memories considering what you have been through in your life already and at such a young age. It just goes to show how resilient a person can be. How you lasted all that time without getting the proper help and diagnosis?....well your in the right place now and i vow to you son i will do everything in my power to help you  overcome the obstacles you face and get you well again. Will you let me help you Caleb?...please!"
"Please!!" I sounded like I was pleading. "Doc, I need you to cure me. I just want to get my identity back and figure this all out. Please can you read me the report? Are you allowed? Even it was bad, upsetting and frightening I needed to know.  "I don't know about curing you Caleb but i will be here with you every step of the way to help you access your memories and provide you with the therapy and tools you need to release your memories again. You are in there somewhere son along with all your past memories you just need to try and get to them again. Shall we begin that process now while I have a bit of time? We can carry on later as well when I have finished my rounds." "Yes please Professor I want to get started" Finally I felt like I was getting somewhere. One step closer to getting my mind back and one step closer to getting out of here...
I wanted to ask the doctor some more questions about my head injury and this memory condition I have with the big name that i can never remember. I also wanted to ask why I feel so "spaced out" like I'm not in my own body. It feels strange and I'm starting to panic about it. I'm conscious that he only has a short time to spend with me today and i don't want to waste his time with my constant questions, but this whole memory loss situation is really scaring me
"Doc, before we get to finding out my identity can i just take up a bit of your time asking some more about my brain injury and memory problem with the big name please?"
"Of course Caleb, like I said I'm here for you and whatever you need help with, whatever questions you have i will answer them. What would you like to know?"
"Okay doc thanks. I just wanted to know if my memory problems are caused by my head injury? I'm sorry if you have already answered this but I cant remember so I just wanted to ask just in case!"
"The answer to that, Caleb is No. Your head injury and subsequent memory problems are 2 separate issues. Your injury was sustained from you trying to kill yourself by jumping from the roof! Do you remember Nancy my colleague explaining that to you?" "Yes I remember. I don't understand why I would have jumped though?" "This is what we are trying to find answers to Caleb. Only you can help with that but with your other condition Psychogenic Amnesia its making it difficult. Like I explained yesterday, Caleb your Psychogenic Amnesia has been brought on by your brain as a way for it to cope with traumatic and stressful events within your past. The report from the police has now made the reasons clearer to me, which gives me a much better understanding of the best ways I can effectively treat you. Your amnesia is known by several names that you may hear doctors use. I refer to the condition as Psychogenic Amnesia but doctors also use the terms Dissociation disorder, depersonalization - derealization disorder or dissociative identity disorder. These conditions can vary with the symptoms patients experience. With Dissociation disorder the person will have periods where they cannot remember certain information about themselves or certain events in their past will be forgotten. Patients with this disorder can find themselves in strange, random places and will not remember how they came to be there.  If the patient has tried to take their own life, like in your case Caleb then patients will not normally remember because the brain will block it out due to the disorder. These episodes can last a few hours or days, sometimes years although this is very rare. Depersonalization disorder can mean the patient feels detached from themselves and can observe their thoughts and feelings as if they belong to someone else. Some of the typical symptoms of this disorder are out of body experiences, a distorted view of your body, sense of being detached from your emotions, feeling like you are not real. The derealization part of this disorder means you can see people and the surrounding environment as unreal or dream-like. Typical symptoms of this can be a sense of feeling detached from the world and feeling that people you know are strangers. These episodes of depersonalization and derealization may last for just a few minutes but can come and go for years and be an ongoing condition. Dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder is the most extreme of the three branch conditions Caleb. With this disorder a person may feel uncertain about who they are. They may also feel the presence of other identities which can have their own names, past history and mannerisms. Typical symptoms of dissociative identity disorder are feeling like a stranger to yourself, feeling like there are different people within you, behaving out of character...... Are you still with me Caleb?"
"Yes I'm listening. Its a lot to take in. So do you think I have all of these conditions doc?" "I believe you have a mixture of all of them but only time will tell for certain and I'm hoping that once we start your therapy regime it will all become a lot clearer."
"SO all of these things have happened because my brain is reacting to a traumatic event or period in my life?"
"Exactly Caleb. To the brain, switching off from reality is its normal defence mechanism that helps the person cope with the traumatic event. Its a form of denial really. However this condition becomes dysfunctional when the environment is no longer traumatic but the person will still act and live as if it is and hasn't dealt properly with the traumatic event or events. That is why I mentioned Caleb that this disorder is not connected with your head injury from the fall because it is a psychological condition. There is nothing physically wrong with your brain to cause these memory disorders."
"SO I can be fixed then? If I start treatment then we can hopefully get to the bottom of the causes and hopefully get me back?" I asked, somewhat hopefully.
"Yes Caleb that is the plan. Don't worry everything will be okay. It will just take time and patience." The professor smiled. "Do you still want me to read the report from the police Caleb? It may help to trigger a memory and will mean we are one step ahead when you begin your treatment schedule in a few more days?
"Okay if that is what you think is best doc then please go ahead" I braced myself for what the professor would read from the report. Lets see why all this has been happening to me. I need to get to the bottom of it once and for all. That way a line can be drawn on It and I can start to get my life back to normal. I can then finally start acting like a normal teenager again.
"The report states that your name is Caleb Pickering and you were born on the 19th July 1980 which means that in 2 weeks time you will be 17. You were born at the Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital and you were the longed for child of Julia and Douglas Pickering. Your dad was a Sergeant In the Parachute "4 Paras" regiment and served in the army from 1975 until his death on 26th September 1991 when you were 11 years old."
"What is the date today doc?" I asked, curious. "It is the 5th July 1996, Caleb" "Your dad died serving in the cold war, He was 39 years old at the time. He died a hero, protecting a fellow solider. He was a respected man, Caleb and I'm sure he loved you a great deal!" the professor said, he looked sad. "Where is my mother, does it say doc?" " It mentions here Caleb that your mum left you when you were 16 and unfortunately nobody seems to know where she has gone. The police believe that she has changed her identity and made a new life for herself. Maybe she had her own troubles and felt she couldn't cope anymore. I cannot tell you son, all I can say is what is written here the rest would just be speculation." Great, so my mum didn't want me, couldn't cope. Why did she just leave me? Surely she could have reached out to someone and got some proper help? I just hope that wherever she is she is getting better and is happy. "So doc if my parents are not around then who else do I have who can take care of me?" "There doesn't seem to be anyone Caleb. There is no record of any other family members. You have no siblings and because you were always moving because of your fathers work there was no one else to support you and your mother." Professor Wrigley was explaining things but all I could hear were the words "Alone" and "No one" repeating in my head. What was going to happen to me? Who would look after me? I had to get answers to these questions but part of me didn't want to know the answer. "Doc?? Am I going to end up being cared for by strangers. How will I cope alone?" "This is what I'm trying to find out for you Caleb. Technically you are nearly 17 so you could be helped to live independently in your own apartment so all this doesn't necessarily mean that you will have to live with strangers, although you could also to flat share with another young person. Once we have started you on treatment tomorrow and once we have gotten you a little more mentally stable and prepared then we can sort these things out. Please try not to worry about all this Caleb it will work itself out. Now you just get some rest I have to go for now and carry out my ward rounds. I will come back later and see you before I head home." Professor Wrigley left the room and so it was just back to me, alone and worried. Worried about what was going to happen over the next few days and weeks. How long was it going to take me to get better? Will I be like this for the rest of my life? Every what, where, how and why question was spinning around and around in my head and I just wanted to shut it all out for now, sleep in peace and prepare myself for the treatment and therapy I will be starting tomorrow. I so hope it will help me, I really do.

Chapter Four

I had a restless sleep because I was feeling anxious and nervous about what tomorrow would bring. Part of me wanted to work towards getting my memories back and finding out what the causes were but then the other part of me just wanted to get out of this room, get out of this hospital and just move away, start fresh. I just wanted to be normal again, be a typical teenager and do everything I was supposed to do at this age. The only reason I stayed put in here was because I had faith in Professor Wrigley and I trusted that he had done this all before so he knew how to help me. Finally after what seemed like an age counting sheep I managed to close my eyes and drift off..... I was woken by the sound of shuffling near my bed. It was professor Wrigley, come to wake me so that we could start the therapy session. "Morning son, are you ready to go and meet the lovely therapist who I have entrusted with the rest of your care?" "As ready as I can be I suppose...I'm anxious to just get started" I decided to be truthful with the doc at least that way I will get the right care. However much I wanted to deny what was happening to me and all the emotions whirling in my head, I couldn't deny it to the doc he was too clever to believe lies. "Its a long process Caleb, a process that could take several years so we just require your cooperation and patience" "I'll try doc, really I will" "Come now, lets get you presentable and then we can go meet Suzy".
20 minutes later I was up and dressed. I was anxious to meet this Suzy woman and hopefully get a successful start in my talking therapy. Professor Wrigley mentioned during the walk to Suzy's office that she was new to the team and was only 18 so he asked me to give her a chance as I was going to be her first patient she was counseling on her own without her mentor. "Don't worry too much Caleb. You will be fine and at least with Suzy being near your age you will hopefully be more receptive towards her and open up. She is good at what she does Caleb so don't let the fact that she is newly qualified worry you... With Suzy you are in good hands.. Ah here we are room 92" The doc rapped on the door and a pretty sounding voice beckoned for us to enter. I hung back a little when Professor Wrigley opened the door, I didn't know what to expect. What greeted me was definitely the least of my expectations. Suzy was beautiful, she had long brown hair that she wore in curls, blue eyes that I was instantly drawn to and the most amazing smile I had ever seen on a person, a smile that lit up her entire face. "Hi Caleb I'm Suzy its so nice to meet you." "Hi" was all I could manage to get from my mouth. "Its okay you don't have to be worried or anxious. If it helps you can think of me as a friend who you are confiding in if you like as I want you to feel comfortable" she said, trying to put me at ease. "Well" said Professor Wrigley " I will be off now. I will leave you in Suzy's capable hands Caleb. I will catch up with you soon. Nice to see you again Suzy I look forward to the briefing sessions." Professor Wrigley patted my shoulder and then he was out the door busy seeing to his other patients. I was all alone in this small room with Suzy and I was nervous, the most nervous I had ever been. Gosh I had never had a crush  the opposite sex never really stood out to me at school but standing here alone with Suzy I suddenly realized that the butterflies in my stomach were increasing and I don't think it was all down to the anxiety of the therapy to come but had a lot to do with being in the presence of Suzy. I needed to snap out of it, I was here to concentrate on hopefully retrieving my buried memories and being a step closer to finding out why I have become the way I am now. I couldn't let myself be distracted by her.
Suzy motioned for me to take a seat on the couch in the corner of the room. I hurried to it and sat fiddling with my fingers. "Please Caleb try not to be so nervous we will only talk about things you want to today as its your first session. I will take my cues from you so I wont push you into talking about anything you don't feel comfortable about. Does that sound okay to you?" "I'm happy with whatever really Miss. I just want to get on with it" Gosh I sounded blunt but I just wanted to get this over with already. It wasn't good to be cooped up in this small space with her. I didn't trust myself, I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was but I knew that wouldn't be acceptable I was her patient and so I had to stop these thoughts immediately. Suzy was talking again but I couldn't make it all out. I wasn't concentrating enough, I needed to stop it and concentrate. Snap out of it Caleb.... "Okay then Caleb we should start as we only have an hour and I want us to make some progress if possible." "Fine"  I replied  gruffly "Lets start then"  I was being a jerk and she wasn't afraid to give me a look to tell me so.
 "We will start by just getting you to be relaxed so how about making yourself comfy on the sofa? You can lie down, put your feet up, whatever you are comfortable with." Suzy said "All we are going to do today is just get your mind to focus on relaxation, that way it will hopefully help you be more receptive to the therapy. Does that sound like a good plan Caleb?"
"Ok I will try my best to relax I really need this therapy to work Suzy. I don't want to be in this place forever." I got myself comfy and closed my eyes. It wasn't long before I found myself drifting off I could hear Suzy's soft voice speaking to me but I couldn't make out what she was saying. My mind was peaceful it felt like I was floating on air. I imagined myself in a nice, happy place and could feel myself smiling. I could stay like this, it was nice. I must have actually fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is being woken up by the sensation of soft hair dangling in my face. It smelt like strawberry. I was still smiling, I must have looked so silly. "Caleb.....Caleb, wake up now. Times up, you did great. Caleb....?" I reluctantly opened my eyes and saw a beautiful sight standing over me. For a few seconds I had forgotten where I was. "Caleb! Your back hey! Did you enjoy wherever you were? You are definitely receptive and you relaxed easily, a bit too easily but never mind we still made headway. If you keep responding this way then this therapy will be easier. Do you feel any better yet Caleb? More relaxed maybe?"  "I feel good, thanks Suzy. You are really good at this, a natural. I'm glad I have you as my therapist. Sorry that I drifted off I still feel really tired but I do feel calmer and more relaxed already. When's the next session?" I didn't want to leave the room, didn't want to leave Suzy. She did something to me, called to me in a way that calmed me. Just her presence alone was enough to help me. I hoped it wouldn't be too much longer before I got to see her again. " For now you have 1 session a week on the advise of Professor Wrigley, he doesn't want to push you too much too soon. So your next session is 3pm next Wednesday. Hopefully you will be an outpatient by then as I'm under the impression that he is trying to find out where you can live, so at least you would be out of here which will make you a lot more happier I can imagine." " I cant wait to leave here I hate hospitals. I just hope I can manage by myself I'm still nervous because of the fact I still don't remember my past, but I'm sure you will be able to help me with that in no time. I have faith in you Suzy." I started with my goofy smiling again, I just couldn't help it. "I will do my best Caleb, I promise. Right lets get you to Professor Wrigley he said he wanted to talk to you after therapy, come on lets be going" 

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Follow Caleb from childhood to adulthood. Read how he overcomes the loss of his parents, attempted suicide and the resulting brain injury which makes him forget everything he ever knew. He goes on a journey of self-discovery as he battles in his mind to remember his past which helps him to shape his future. How he struggles to overcomes a psychological brain condition and mental illness to pursue his goals in life. He is determined to remodel himself into a hero everyone will celebrate which is a far cry from his treatment as a child. CALEB JUST WANTS TO RID HIMSELF OF THE VOICES that haunt him but he has a tough ride ahead before he can seek redemption. This story is one of hardship and one persons determination to overcome it all. It will leave you warm to the depth of your soul.
A Word from the Writer
This is my first piece of writing so it is very much still a work in progress. I will try to update as regularly as I can. Hope you enjoy reading it. Thank you