Heston Dead? Ask Jay #17
  

Heston Lives?  Ask Jay #17

 

QUESTION:  Jay, I could have sworn I saw Charlton Heston in a Bagle Shop this morning.  Is this some sort of mental problem, you know, a hallucination?  Is this kind of thing common, like seeing Elvis? – Morbidly Curious in LA

 

Well, M.B. I’d like to just tell you that you’re harboring a secret phobia of undead celebrities (it would aid in the publication of my new novel Harboring Secret Fears of Undead Celebrities), but I don’t think that’s the case here.  Keep in mind that not only has Charlton Heston starred in every movie ever made, he’s also supported a lot of very meaningful causes.  I have a sneaking suspicion that one of these causes has caused you a surreal, nearly unexplainable situation.

 

One of the causes that Heston put his celebrity behind was the struggling NRA.  From the early 1960’s to the present the NRA has been under fire from almost everyone from housewives to anti-communist activists.  Guns were considered the problem, not the overwhelming emotional, biased, prejudiced, opinions of those shooting the guns.  “Guns Kill People”… never mind that people had been killing other people for stupid reasons for thousands of years before guns were ever invented.  Guns just made it quicker, easier, and a lot more cinematic.  To keep guns in the spotlight, where they made money in his movies, Charlton Heston decided to fight for Gun-Rights.  How would “The Ten Commandments” have ever been popular without the numerous gunfights?  It was the “Tombstone” of religious films.

 

Because of his connection to the NRA, I think Mr. Heston has been subjected to the controversial SR-4512 program.  In case you haven’t heard of it, the SR-4512 program is basically a suit of armor/weaponry/life support system designed by the NRA that is lightweight and easily concealable under the loose, Christ-era robes that Charlton Heston favors.  While it is officially known as the “Mongoose Blue” program, SR-4512 has been unofficially nick-named the “Ironman Project”.  In essence, he’s being kept artificially alive by the suit’s built in iron-lung and pacemakers, ensuring his continued existence through mechanical means so that he can continue his support of the NRA.  Nothing says lovin’ like Charlton Heston with firepower.

 

So, if you happen to see Mr. Heston at the Bagle shop again just smile and nod, don’t go and piss him off!  Make a comment about how a rich celebrity like him only tips 5% and he might go off and blow up the block.

 

Happy trails,

Jay


Comments:
 
debby   debby wrote
on 4/13/2008 7:31:00 PM
I thouroghly enjoy your wit.

lindsay   lindsay wrote
on 4/13/2008 12:20:37 PM
You really are fabulously funny!

Bumble Bee   Bumble Bee wrote
on 4/13/2008 11:10:26 AM
Funny. You make me laugh.

Jeremiah P
Journalism
Editorial
writing Jeremiah P
something witty
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Synopsis
More Ask Jay, more advice, more bad jokes about sensitive issues that should never be subjected to my rough humor.
A Word from the Writer
Charlton Heston can't be dead. It simply isn't possible. Charlton Heston is one of the pillars of existence, his falling would cause the rest to fall creating a blackhole effect and destroying the universe.
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