Comparing Columns, Ask Jay #16

The employees at Ask Jay have decided it is again time to do an advice column comparison.  The last one we did drew such an interesting array of comments from our valued readers.  Things like “You Suck!” and “Who do you think you are?  I’ve stalked you for months and cannot come up with one good reason for you to give advice to anyone!”  These comments illustrated the humor, the sarcasm, and the cynical enthusiasm that our readers have for the highly educational, deeply profound advice we provide on a frequent basis.  Without further ado we give you another comparison between Ask Jay responses and those offered by another internet advice columnist.  In this case it is Dear Mrs. Web, the first page that pops up if you search for “advice column” on google.


Death Match: Mrs. Web vs. Ask Jay

Ask Jay #16

QUESTION: I am a happily married man. I have become smitten with a co-worker. She is young, attractive, shapely, intelligent and funny. She has a great personality and we get along together well. I am self-conscious and awkward when I am with her when I want to be charming and interesting. If I were single...sigh!I do not want to jeopardize my marriage but I need to know two things: first, is it unusual for a married man to be so interested in another women? Is it a sign of deeper problems in my marriage? I also want to know whether this woman finds me equally appealing. I want to appease my ego and move on. How can I find this out without giving the impression that I want to cheat on my wife? Or am I asking for trouble?

Dear Mrs. Web’s Response:

Yes, of course other women can appeal to happily married men. You didn't die, did you? This is where commitment and character come into focus and become major players in the life of a marriage. Dear Mrs. Web suggests that you begin exercising both, early and often. Drop the ego massage. The last thing you need is to discover that you are irresistible to this young delicious. By the way, I assure you, there is not a woman alive who does not realize the effect she is having on a man.


Ask Jay’s Response:

First of all bud, you wrote to a woman advice columnist about your extra-marital interests?  What kind of @ss-backward-!diotic man are you?  What did you think she was going to say, “Go for it!  Every woman’s secret fantasy is for middle-aged, mediocre, married guys!”  Idiot!


As you sit there reading these responses, rest assured that the International Female Gestapo is grinding it’s gears to GET YOU!  My advice is to change your name, flee the country, and spend the meager time you have remaining on this earth praying for salvation to whatever God you believe in.  You won’t have long to wait for judgment, have you ever known a woman to get over a grievance in a reasonable amount of time?  Trust me, your wife has already been fully briefed and probably has the it-looks-like-suicide pills all ready to slip into your morning coffee.


Besides your impending doom there are two points which you need to realize. 


The first is that this woman at work is not interested in you, period.  Judging by the fact that you wrote to a female advice columnist about this infatuation you obviously have neither the intelligence nor the confidence that women find attractive.  She likes to push your buttons, make you stumble and stutter, but she only finds you amusing in a bumbling idiot kind of way. 


The second point is that just because you don’t have a Twinky’s chance in a Weight Watchers Meeting at getting this girl in reality doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun with her anyway.  Take a nice long shower after work while picturing her.  Or superimpose her face over your wife’s the next time you’re getting intimate.  You know, just like the rest of us do.  What?  You think your wife is picturing you when you’re getting it on?  Yeah right, she’s picturing the 21 year old that cleans the pool twice a week and still has bronzed, rock hard abs. These are the tools that keep 21st century marriages together. 


It’s too bad that you have learned this lesson too late; the wheels are already in motion now that you have brought yourself to the attention of the female overlords.  I’m just hoping that other men with similar inhibitions can learn from your example and use their minds instead of their mouths.

jlew1973   jlew1973 wrote
on 4/5/2008 1:24:19 PM
Damn! That was sharper than Hillary's fangs. The dude who asked the stupid question has it coming to him. I only hope that the Web gods guide him to this site, specifically "Ask Jay #16." Your writing gets better with each post and the "Twinky's chance in a Weight Watchers Meeting" made me laugh out loud...literally. People use "LOL!" way too much, and are usually lying when they only mean they're merely amused. But I digress. I forget sometimes that a lot of straight guys are so jaded, and that cracks me up. Keep'em coming dude! I love it!

Jeremiah P
writing Jeremiah P
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An objective comparison between different responses to readers' queries. Ask Jay vs. Dear Mrs. Webb... to the death.
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