Ask Jay #8

Ask Jay #8

 

QUESTION:  Hey Jay, I kind of feel like the world has been all turned around and upside down this past year.  When I was growing up we had 9 planets, Ellen was kicked off TV for admitting she was gay (same goes for Rosie O’Donnell), gas was 95 cents a gallon, and people didn’t question the quality of the leaders in the Government.  If the government said “Why don’t you go ahead and suck up another year with a bad economy” we said “Ok”.  What is going on in the country now-a-days? – Concerned Republican in Washington.

 

Well, Concerned-Republican-in-Washington, the world is just a messed up place.  That’s why churches make so much money every Sunday.  That’s why prohibition didn’t last.  Unless you’re some blue-blooded, born with a silver spoon in your mouth, upper class rich kid, you’re parents probably told you at some point that life wasn’t fair.  I guess the fact that you’re asking me now demonstrates that they did not.  I’ll tell you now… Life Ain’t Fair, get over it.

 

Sh!t happens.  Change is the only constant.  The average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow depends on whether it’s African or European.

 

You just have to look at the half-full glass (you know, the one sitting next to the dozen of half-empty ones).  For example, I do not have any issues with alcohol…. I’m putting the liquor-store owner’s kids through college.  You see, look at the bright side of life.   Those kids have a better future than they otherwise would have.  Maybe one of them will cure cancer (Sometimes the line between optimism and fantasy gets a little hazy and confusing, like trying to remember which house is yours when you get back from the bar).

 

Now, I don’t normally offer this, but I’m going to offer it now.  If you need some personal, one-on-one therapy I’d be willing to take the time from my busy schedule to try and help you with your many issues.  Bring two bottles of Jack Daniels.  And don’t worry, all of your deep-seated mommy issues, and the feeling that you have disappointed everyone in your family, and that the world is worse off because of you, will be held in perfect confidence.  Your secrets will be safe with me, Mr. President.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Jeremiah P
Journalism
Editorial
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something witty
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Synopsis
Another lame attempt at Advice Column humor. Humor me, huh?
A Word from the Writer
There's always more coming. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Published Date
2/16/2008 12:00:00 AM
Published In
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