Ask Jay #11

Ask Jay #11

 

QUESTION:  Jay, I need some advice because I’m getting some mixed messages from the Universe.  First, the bank calls me and tells me they are going to foreclose on my house next month.  Then, I get a fortune cookie with lunch that says, “A pleasant surprise awaits you”.  Finally, shortly before a black cat crosses my path, this homeless guy tells me the world is going to end.  Is the “End of the World” my pleasant surprise?  That would avoid the trouble of getting evicted. – Confused in NY

 

Have you called the bank yet?  They might be inclined to leniency if the world is indeed coming to a spectacular, fire-spewing end.  A couple of weeks ago I would have told you it was silly to worry about the curtain closing on planet Earth, but there are two very good reasons I refuse to do that now.  First, I’ve had a veritable flood of emails coming in (I mean, seriously, how many idiots can there be out there?  Present company excluded, of course.), which has to be a sign of the coming apocalypse.  Secondly, a couple of weeks ago my judgment was seriously called into question- I thought hell would freeze over before the Patriots lost the SuperBowl.  Ugh, apparently those memories aren’t repressed far enough yet.  So, from now on I’m trying to keep a more open mind.

 

However, open mind aside, I have to play devils advocate on this one (pun intended).  If you consider a fiery holocaust of the entire universe… an Armageddon… the end of the world, than you might have a little time to wait.  Consider the “religious theory of Creation” (to get that joke you probably have to be a Florida resident, I’ll explain – Florida recently decided that “evolution” was too controversial to add to the high school curriculum, so they reluctantly agreed to add “the scientific theory of evolution” instead) that god created the world in “six days” which equates to roughly 4.54 billion Earth-years (or so these wacky “scientists” would have us believe).  So when religious texts and prophets declare that “any day” now the world will end, I figure if each biblical day roughly equates to 756 million Earth-years than the chances of it happening in my lifetime is about 9,450,000 to 1.

 

If none of these observations have eased your troubled mind, and you still believe that balls of fire will start raining down any day now, than go out and buy a Tim McGraw album… (What?  You know, “Live like you were dying”?  A huge hit song that was so over-played that we kind of wished we were dying?  Geez, everyone’s a critic.)

 

And if the world doesn’t end?  Pick up a guitar.  It sounds like you have plenty of material to start writing your own country songs.  “Lost the house… stepped on a cat… asked a bum for some beer money… made a million dollars on my first hit song, but I’m still so dang sad… “

Jay

 

p.s. You know those bumper stickers?  The ones that say “Caution: In case of Rapture this vehicle will be unmanned”.  I’m getting some printed up that say “Attention: In case of Rapture, party is at my house BYOB”.


Comments:
 
hoodiegirl   hoodiegirl wrote
on 3/6/2008 11:37:21 PM
You are consistantly funny! I look forward to each new Ask Jay. Keep 'em coming!

Jeremiah P
Journalism
Editorial
writing Jeremiah P
something witty
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Synopsis
Is it the end of the world? Ask Jay.
A Word from the Writer
Keep on keepin' on.
Published Date
2/26/2008 12:00:00 AM
Published In
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