Ask Jay #10

Ask Jay #10

 

QUESTION: Jay, there’s this funky-creepy looking tree in my backyard and I seriously think it’s been watching me.  Sometimes, when I’m walking away from it I get this feeling like if I turn around fast enough I’ll see it reaching out to grab me.  I’m too scared to get close to it, even with a chainsaw in my hands, what should I do?  - Mike in New England

 

Well Mike, some people might tell you to go see a psychoanalyst about your anthriphobia (technically a fear of flowers, but it’s the closest classified phobia), but you’ve come to the right place.  I’ve been conducting a secret investigation into serial killer trees in the North East of the United States for several months now.  Hidden cameras in Foxborough, Bridgewater, and Andover all caught footage of these blood thirsty Pinophytas and herbaceous perennials in the act of snatching up less wary pedestrians.  I’m currently negotiating with several network news programs for the rights to the footage (CBS: NBC just outbid you by $50,000).

 

The police investigations into these disappearances has been bogged down by lack of suspects and stymied by governmental red tape, even though I have estimated at least 20 million victims over the past year.  Undoubtedly, the governments in these states have been covering up the deaths because of the protected status of many of these “historic” trees and the negative affect the investigations would have on their tourism industry.  “Come see the beautiful fall colors in New England.  Watch the leaves change from yellow to red before your eyes as the Maples sweep up your family members and crush them in their historic branches.”

 

It is my theory that global warming is affecting subtle changes in the trees’ environment, depriving them of some essential nutrients.  The only way to make up for the vitamin and mineral deficiency is to change from majestic conifers to (does ‘cold-blooded’ apply to a tree?) killers.  There is actually some historic precedent for this mutation (one that does not involve leaked radiation).  New theories in paleontological circles contend a similar occurrence happened after the meteor strike in the Cretaceous period when ash blocked out the sun.  The dinosaurs were actually devoured to extinction by prehistoric palm fronds, which then, themselves, succumbed to the cold talons of the ice age.

 

So Mike, as unfounded as your fears might seem to others, rest assured that those feelings that you thought were a symptom of oncoming psychosis are actually realistic and warranted.

 

Have a nice day,

Jay


Comments:
 
debby   debby wrote
on 2/26/2008 3:56:33 PM
Unique. I always look forward to your postings.

Jeremiah P
Journalism
Editorial
writing Jeremiah P
something witty
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Synopsis
I can't tell if I'm joking anymore or not.
A Word from the Writer
Keep sending in your questions and I'll keep answering them.
Published Date
2/23/2008 12:00:00 AM
Published In
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