I'm starting a new segment on this site.  I call it "Ask Jay", it's an advice column in the spirit of all the slightly-older-than-middle-aged-women-with-advice-columns.

Ask Jay 1

This week I received a request for advice from a long-time reader.  It just asked for advice in general, no specifics included.  I have attempted to piece together a response based on what I know and some information about the requester.  Enjoy.

"I need advice."

Ok.  Is this a request for a sports prediction or useful dating tips?  Or something profoundly life changing, because if that's the case than you're obviously in the wrong place.

Just ask yourself  "what would Jesus do?"  Or if that doesn't help, then what would Jeremiah do?  Or, is this something I'll probably regret five years from now?  Or, is this something I would have a problem admitting to my mother?  Or, is it worth the jail time?  Or, is it something Jerry Springer might do a series on?  Or, is it something I saw on Jack-ass that resulted in hospital time?  Or, is it something that a Presidential Candidate has reluctantlly admitted to doing?  Will this increase your odds of going to Hell?  Is this something you've already been told not to do but you're going to keep going around until you find someone who'll say 'sure, go ahead'?  Were you drunk when you came up with the idea?  Were you drunk when you decided it was a good idea?  If you wake up next to it in bed the next morning, hungover, will it still seem like a good idea?  Will it someday be a story worthy of an Oprah book club selection?  Is it worth the genital warts?  Will it be weird if your kids find out about it someday by finding the secret stash of polaroids under your mattress? 

If you have answered yes and/or no to any of the previous questions that you obviously need to give all your worldly posessions to a charity and dedicate your life to becoming a tibetan monk.  Hope that helps, and good luck with your problem.

Jay