The hardest choice of all
  I walked into the clinic today telling myself this was my only option, reminding myself that I needed to face this head on and stop making excuses for myself and this child. But all the commands in the world wouldn't erase the uneasiness I felt, or the fact I was terrified. I looked over at my friend and pretended to smile although I was hurting so bad inside. I was truly blessed to have her there, and silently I said a little thank you. She has devoted so much time in helping me with this decision, and without her presence I am sure I wouldn't’t have been strong enough to complete this. After just five hours I feel worse not only on the outside, but on the inside too. I know I did the right thing, but it doesn’t make the pain any easier. I don’t think anything will but time. And although she is my best friend I feel like I can’t truly let her see how much this is hurting me. I don’t want to let her down. I want her to think of me as strong and not weak. Mainly, I don’t want her to think I think this was the wrong way out, because I don’t. At this point in my life having a child would be completely wrong. Knowing what I know, and feeling what I feel makes this seem like the best choice. So here’s my story.
Eight years ago I started dating Ryan. We went to school together since we were 7 and I always had a soft spot for him. Although we dated for eight years, we were anything but the perfect couple. We made mistakes that have hurt us so bad we can’t forgive nor forget. We went from being in love, to barely loving one another. But, for reasons unknown we kept trying. The void grew wider, and the pain continued, but we still tried to fight. After five years I gave birth to our daughter who is now 3. Kaylee was truly a blessing and having her was the one thing Ryan and I did right together. But it didn’t make facing the fact he was hardly around easier to grasp. Time moved on and things got worse. Finally we threw in the towel and broke up. For months we were apart, but something always lead us back to one another. Knowing our relationship wouldn’t get better we somehow found ourselves fighting for that chance. During our “on again” stage I found out I was pregnant again. A shock to us both considering I was very careful with my birth control. Little did I know the antibiotics I was taking ****** off more then the sickness. It proved to be the reason for my pregnancy. After three pregnancy tests the shock set in. I told Ryan and hours later my family. It seemed as if everyone was happy. Ryan and I got along really good, but for only a couple weeks. Then I was once again faced with the fact we just weren’t meant to be. And for the first time I seen a hatred in Ryan I have never seen before. We hardly speak to each other, and I have to beg him to take Kaylee. This is a shock to me because he is such a wonderful Dad and really loves her. But for some reason he thinks by depriving her of a Daddy he is hurting me. Truth be known he’s wrong - but try telling him that. A week later I realized that I couldn’t bring another child into this world knowing what I know. The choice wasn’t made because we are finically unstable, nor was it made because we are not together. It was made because I fight so much with him now to see Kaylee. I struggle just to make him see she needs him. And I realize I have deprived her already of a full time Dad because we couldn’t have a relationship. I couldn’t do this again, not to myself, not to him, and not to this child. So I told almost everyone I had a miscarriage. They were also told I had to undergo a DNC today. He never called to check on me, and when I phoned him to talk to Kaylee he called me names and hung up on me. In it’s own sad little way his attitude helped the heal the hurt a little. But it doesn't help the shock or the pain of this bitter situation. Slowly I am sure that too will ease. I will continue to remind myself of my reasoning and pray that I am never faced with this hard choice. I also pray this is something I never look back on and regret. But most of all, I pray this emptiness inside will go away and I can once again be strong.

Comments:
 
DwayneKilbourne   DwayneKilbourne wrote
on 10/11/2008 4:12:58 PM
I could not imagine the situation that you faced. Certainly, I do not know how I would have dealt with it if I walked in your shoes. Hindsight is always 20-20, so it is not fair to put pressure on yourself for decisions that you may have or may not have made in the past, for the past cannot be changed, and it seems that everything happens for a reason! Good luck!

lindsay   lindsay wrote
on 7/2/2008 9:50:08 AM
You are very brave to share this with everyone. I am sure there are many girls in your situation who can relate and find comfort in your story.

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