Is it your job to cause me pain?

You have wreaked havoc in my life.

You have caused me such emotional turmoil that I’m not 100% sure I’ll ever fully recover from it.

You’ve totally flipped my world upside down, leaving me to pick up the pieces and make it right again.

And do you care?

Probably not

That’s why my heart pumps venom for her


You’re a grown woman, like me.

You’re even divorced, like me.

You’ve loved a man before.  You know relationships will have their ups & downs.  You were sitting in the riverbed of your own valley when you met my love.  Your marriage was ending.  Your three kids were experiencing what it feels like when their structure was crumbling.  And yes, my love and I were having a downtime also.  But it wasn’t a valley.  Just a side of a mountain.

You two shared your stories.  You shared your frustrations.  You shared a kiss and even ‘I love you’.  Did you share any moments talking about the pain being caused to me and my kids by your actions?  Did you even care?

Evidently not

This is why my heart pumps venom for her


And I can hear it now…..why hold so much anger at her when he hurt you too?

My fury isn’t one sided.  He’s in my cross hairs too.  But I’ve got a special anger with her.  It’d be one thing if she didn’t know of me.  But, she knew and still chose to take the things he told her and work them in her favor.  She showed total disregard to my feelings or to me as a person, and more importantly, as another black woman.

It’s not like she’s someone I may have crossed or something.

I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THIS TRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not for real.

To my knowledge, she was “just a co-worker”.  A name in the office stories.  And she could’ve been just that if she’d chosen to.  I could’ve looked at her looked upon her as a black woman of integrity instead of the funky cunt whore she will forever be to me.

But did she choose the role of co-worker?

Absolutely not

This is why my heart pumps venom for her


Even after her presence was made know

Even after it was realized just how deep your actions, your deception, was felt, did you cut it all?  Did you say, live your life there and if we’re meant to be we will be?  No you didn’t.  You kept your “relationship” with him moving steadily.  You texted him all day all night.  And still do.  Still totally disregarding my feelings.  I guess I’m supposed to look at it as if it “just happened”.  As if it was totally just a fluke, an accidental circumstance.  That’s not what this is.  This is an out right PHUCK ME!!!

From that first kiss to the first ‘I love you’.  When it went beyond, it was deliberate.  That made it blatant disrespect.  An unequivocal expression of how little I’m thought of.  Part of me, the me I’ve tried to leave behind, wants to come and wreak the same havoc on you.  It wants to make sure you NEVER forget me or the pain you caused.

Will I?

Maybe, maybe not

This is why my heart pumps venom for her


And as for my love….or at least who I thought was ‘my love’

That someone who I’d opened my heart to.  Someone I trusted with my secrets and my stories of my experiences that have made me into who I am today.  That someone who promised to protect me from all hurt, harm and pain. 

His ‘I love you’ now feels like ‘would you like fries with that?’  Everything boils down to something sexual with him.  Sex is right up there with breathing and eating.  He asked me recently what I’ve learned from being with him.  I didn’t have a real answer them.  I’ve got one now.

He’s taught me that words are nothing more than just that without action to back them up.  He’s taught me that words are like an onion; when you start to peel them back, some will make you cry

He’s taught me that our words allow us to maneuver around people without ruffling many feathers, if done right.  To make our journey easier. 

That’s what he did with me.

And just like I tell my kids ‘nothing happens that you don’t allow’, I allowed him this position in my world.  I went into a relationship with him knowing that I was putting myself in a place of potential pain.  I allowed myself to believe that he’d be different.  I allowed myself to be amused, enthralled and impassioned by him to the point of letting my guard down and giving him access to my most vulnerable places.  I allowed him into my heart, my life, my world.  And not just my world, but my kids world too.  A world I’ve always tried to keep as far away from mine private world.  A world I’ve tried to keep as perfect as circumstances would allow.  I’ve allowed my children to get close because I allowed myself to keep faith and trust in someone I didn’t even really know.  Someone, who out of their own mouth didn’t even fully know themselves.  And now that I’ve gotten all of us into this very precarious spot, it’s up to me to figure out how things should go.  Not him.  He’s proven that he’ll hurt my feelings if it seemed appropriate.  And I ask myself, ‘Can you stop loving him even after the pain he’s caused?’

Probably not

This is why my heart cries for the hopes of what my future once looked like in my head and heart.


I blame him just as much.  Because I knew him and he knew me.  And instead of telling me what was wrong, instead of telling me what problems he was having between us, he told her.  He told her what he wanted her to know.  The things he felt important for her to know.  And when he saw that something in her, that something he once saw in me, it was too much for him.  I know how she must’ve felt.  She felt like I once did.  She felt the presence of the strong, caring, compassionate man.  The man who fells your pain and your joy.  The man who without saying it told you things would be okay. 

The one defining difference; I didn’t want a hero, like she did.  I didn’t want someone in my life wearing a cape with a big dumb ‘S’ on his chest.  I wanted someone who’d grow with me, live with me, fight with me, as an equal, a partner.  I thought I had that with him.  I tried to have that with him.  It came with stipulations that I don’t like, don’t believe in.  My life, my personal life, became knowledge of others.  Regardless of my protest.  Was our love strong enough to move forward from that?

Evidently not

This is why my heart cries for the hopes of what the future once looked like in my head and heart.


He holds me now.  He kisses me.  And all I can do is think of how those arms, those lips, once did the same thing to her.  All I can do is think of how she must have felt, how I probably should feel.  And then I think of how those arms, those lips betrayed me.  He gives me my usual pat on the butt before walking away and all I can do is wonder did he do the same thing to her today?  Yesterday?  Will he do it tomorrow?  I wonder how he sits with himself so comfortably, how he feels when he’s doing these things.  I look at him when he’s lost in thought and wonder if he’s thinking of her.  And part of me wants to punch him in the face hard enough to blacken both of his eyes before walking out of his life forever.

Am I wrong for this?

Absolutely not

This is why my heart cries for the hopes of what the future once looked like in my head and heart.

on 11/5/2009 7:47:31 PM
Wow...I feel your pain and anger, but sometimes I think we must make a decision if a relationship is not very healthy is not good for your soul. If there Is love between two, it is possible to forget everything and start all over again. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it t is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I found it very soothing now after I've been through and I wish you the best because I know you are a woman who cares things in life.

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writing DiamondNDaRuff
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