“I remember you”

Said the gray eyed boy

Whispering he spoke

“I’ve seen you smiling.”


“Well, I don’t know you,”

said the brown eyed girl.

“Now leave me alone.”

She took a step back.


Suddenly the world was very empty.


The boy continued.

“You don’t remember?”

His face slowly fell.

“Why are you afraid?”


The girl truned quickly

Ignoring the boy.

She would have to run…

Why was she afraid?


This Just didn’t make any sense at all.


He let out a sigh

And put up his hands

“I won’t hurt you. You

need to remember”


The girl was lost, what

Could she do, without

Anywhere to run?

She was all alone.


But she was not alone: He was with her.


 “You don’t remember

all the summer sun

we shared on beaches?”

The boy looked hopeful


The girl shook her head,

“I don’t like beaches

And for the last time,

I don’t know you.”


The boy was in shock: she had forgotten.


“Once you too my heart,”

Tried gray eyes this time.

A moment passed and

He said, “I love you.”


The girl was truly scared

This boy was crazy

Some kind of killer

Maybe. Where was rescue?


And so the two stood, united by fear.


The boy was afraid,

His heart trembled with

it. That horrible fear

that his love was lost.


The girl looked for a way

out of this big mess.

The doctor told her

to walk. It would help.


Now all was still. What of that stolen heart?


“You are wearing it,

the heart you took. I

still dream of you. We

held hands once in-“


“Stop!” A hand held the

silver necklace. “How?”

“How did you know of

the necklace? It’s mine.”


The boy did not give up. She would know him.


His smile was bitter.

His heart was begging

to hold her once more

“I let you take it.”


“No, no my…” she thought

who had given her

that delicate string

of silver and hearts?

lanaia74   lanaia74 wrote
on 6/26/2008 6:00:14 AM
I have to agree with penname. The story and content is very good, but as I was reading this especially near the end, my mind started to wander. maybe cut it back some, other than, a job well done!

StarPoet   StarPoet wrote
on 6/26/2008 3:12:18 AM
Not bad. And I too thought like BlueIris. They seemed to start off as innocent children,but they morphed into teenagers. That could be a possible addition to this if you added a timeline element so that we know that they are teens when you finish. Still, good work.

BlueIris   BlueIris wrote
on 6/25/2008 11:16:03 PM
What about: Whispering to her/He whispered to her

BlueIris   BlueIris wrote
on 6/25/2008 10:47:56 PM
On the third line, I think you mean: whispering as he spoke. Toward the middle, you wrote: "Once you too my heart." You forgot the "k". How old are the characters? At first, I imagined them to be children. Then they seemed more like teenagers.

penname   penname wrote
on 6/25/2008 6:23:46 PM
the story is very good and workable, but for me the format- the dialogue with continous quotes" is distracting. i had to read this twice because the distraction was too much the first time. Also, the first stanza, I think, really should capture the reader and it needs some work. just an example- the first stanza was awkward with the syntax. and the descriptions could use some zest. There may be a better way to say "gray eyed boy"- a far more poetic way. Please don't take these as negatives, but honest criticism as a reader. I think it is a very good story and poem, just to lift it up a knotch you may want to consider reworking it's organization and style. The tone is very good.

Free Verse
writing Camilta
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Rating: 8.0/10

This is an unfinished poem that I am putting into my portfolio. Please critique!