my space to vent
Here's my current situation:
I am married. Long story short. I currently have a RO against my husband due to DV issues. It wasn't the first time. And I don't care if you're taking anger management! I'm not the first female either. His ex stepped out from the shadows and informed me after all of the shit hit the fan.. WOW! I allowed this to happen to me... not a whole bunch of times. But still. I allowed it. Well, NO MORE! He's sorry.. he's sad.. he's miserable. But god damn it! Why do I feel bad for him? Why do I feel bad that he's not living in my house.. that he's sad.. that he's all alone. I am trying to mend the pieces of all of this shattered glass... and it's just not working as planned. His family are mostly assholes, too. Treating me like this is somehow my fault. Well, fuck that! I am sick of sitting here worrying about everyone else. I worry 24-7. It never stops. The voice isn't my head seems to never shut up.
I am truly venting here. Finally. It's like a breath of fresh air.
I don't really even want anyone to read this. Cause this is me at my crazy ranting stage. It's not quite 3AM. But it'll do.
Anyways... I guess it was all so sudden, yet not. It's hard to explain. There's a lot of details.. and 5 years worth of shit can't be written in one night.. or in one entry. But I'll try my best for my mental stability anyhow. Cause I need this fresh air. I need to vent to the wall here. I need to just let it out... without anyone knowing who I am.. or who any of these people are. I need this. So, if I offend you in any way.. bore you.. whatever the outcome. I apologize now. But, like I said.. I'm not expecting anyone to read this. So... I warned you. Back out now!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol.
It was going down hill... hmmm.. the whole time. Maybe I'll bash a little extra to try to convince myself that this is what I really want. It's surely what I need. Esp since I don't want my child to grow up in a household where it's "okay" to put your hands on a female. And the fighting.. the mental abuse was much worse than the physical abuse. And I can't blame this all on him. We just didn't get along. We're very different people.. and in some ways that helped.. and in others it made us lack most items that are needed to make a functional marriage.. or a good home life atmosphere. Esp for a child.
We fought. Constantly. He accused me of cheating. We started dating when I was 19. Literally, moved in right away. I was pregnant 6 months later... we had a short break a few years ago. I dated someone else. A serious relationship with someone I had known for a long time.. but then that guy turned into an ass which pushed me back to my husband. I guess in some ways. Maybe not fully. I think I didn't like being alone. As much as I'd love to have the "single" lifestyle. It doesn't suit me. Even though as a stranger or usually to myself... I'd say the single life is best. But when it comes down to it.. when I'm single.. I'm just looking for the next person to be with. It's stupid. I know. But if I actually gave it a shot I might like it. Only I jump too quickly.. I never even give myself the chance. Anyways.. I was with him since I was 19- young! I am turning 25 this year.
We've been married just a little over two years.
He played video games ALL the time. I liked going to friends houses or the bar for karaoke. whatever. I liked being gone. After my son was tucked in asleep of course.. dinner was over with.. etc. I never just left. Which is prob what he's telling everyone. And I didn't leave all the time either! But whatever. Say what you want.
I try to think back on everything. Make sense of certain things. I can't. I find myself falling short every time. I guess it was more "fake" than anything. Even when the times were good. They somehow feel fake. This is good. Because I miss him and I don't want to. I need to keep reminding myself of all the bullshit. Keep telling myself that I am MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT!!! Though we know each others secrets.. most of them. He was by far the longest relationship I had ever been in. Obviously- It feels strange to start over. But, it's what I need. It's best!
And to the next... the next thing that pops into mind in my venting. Only this is the happy part. The part that gives me hope. Only that I'm terrified for many reasons. Getting hurt... hurting him... also, the fact that I am still technically married... and I think my husband is going to put up an extra big fight. Which pisses me off even more. Considering. I was the one who worked my ass off. The entire time we were together.. five years. He only kept a job for this past year. Yes, things had changed. But, not as much as they needed. He never cared for cleaning.. which is whatever I guess. Most men don't want to clean. but it wasn't just the cleaning. And I got to the point where sex was almost un-tolerable. I even cried a few times during and after. I never let him see that of course. I was disgusted. I think the lack of appreciation among other things got the best of me with the emotional sides. it always made me feel even worse. But when it comes to that.. there's really no hope left. Even counciling.. he wants to do counciling now. What's the point? I don't want to work things out with him. I wanted to be counciling along time ago... wanted him to take anger management classes, too... but he'd never do it. I suggested everything. "Short term separated"... "swingers" Long term sep. he was supposed to go to the air force.. that's the whole reason we got married in the first place. He never passed the test.. so he didn't go. whatever. There was just shit on top of shit. I don't want to work things out as far as the marriage goes. I just want us to be able to communicate. We need to talk. We have a child together. I am not looking forward to that first conversation tho. I'm terrified. I don't know what's going to happen. He's going to cry.. beg.. and then probably get angry.
I am scared! Honestly scared. Cause I don't know how or what this is going to do to me!
And for many reasons at that. Many outcomes. You never know what this life has for you in store. You just never know.
I wish I could just wash my hands of the whole situation. I'd rather never see him again.. or talk to him again. Because I am scared of what he's going to say. Which route he's going to take to try to get me back. And when he realizes we're not getting back together. What route after that?? What happens then??
He's not coming back in this house tho. I can say that much for sure. I don't want him in here. Not after all that has happened. This house is in my name. Thank god. I can actually make that call. I think. Oh shit.. I better find out about that before the RO is up. Cause I imagine he's going to want to come here and get the rest of his stuff at least. But honestly, I might be moving back to my home town here soon. And this house (buying) is 3 months behind. He can probably stay here rent free for a while. I just don't want to chance it with custody battles, etc. Another topic.. that I don't even want to go into depth with. it's pointless. he told me flat out a few months ago that he'd never try to take my child because he knows my child wants to be with me. he knows that he's better off with me. so.. the only reason he threatened anything is because he knew that's what would hurt me the most. and to say it in court. i am thinking of all the bad things. lets fuel the fire damn it@!!! I need that fire to stay strong... to give me strength! I don't want to be weak! I am kind of scared tho.. once that RO is up... if he'll try to come here... at night.. to watch the house. whatever the reason/ purpose. Still!!!! That's all bad.
I am done ranting for now. Back to some netflix and bed time.