To be torn
To be torn between life. Love. Romance. Redemption. Lust. Denial. Anger.
Painful sins we bring amongst ourselves, indeed.
One half of my body is filled with rage. Rage against the ex, who is determined to piss me off at every chance.
One half if filled with love. The love from a new man. A new feeling, a new spark, a glimmer of hope in the darkness. A man who holds me, and the rest of the worlds bullshit goes dark. A man that kisses me and I melt like a school girl getting kissed for the first time. A man that looks at me, and I can see in his eyes how much it cherishes my very exsistance. <3 I've been in love before. I am a lover. But, this is a little different. This time I know I'm the best.. which is kind of a big deal to the human race.
But in the end of me being torn.. I feel regret, fear and endless worry. This stress is almost becoming too much to handle.. and I really don't know what else to do. Everything seems blank. The pages are blank and I am empty. Yet whole. It's complicated. I am happy and sad at the same time. I am hopeful and suicidal at the same time. I'm either developing some rare form of bi-polar or split personality syndrome. Something.
If I didn't have the responsibilities that I do- and the anger towards the people that I wouldn't trust with the life I have already created- The half of me filled with doubts and fear could probably drink an entire bottle of liquor, and chase it with a whole bottle of pills. Any kind. This is something I would've done as a immature rebel teenage pass-time. That sounds ignorant, I know. Which is the part of me that won't do it! It's just never good to be in that state of mind. Under any circumstances.
"Whiskey lullabye"
Don't worry- I'm not going to kill myself. That's one of the dumbest things anyone could do. I won't give up.. tho some days I want to. I continue to push forward in this nightmare.. and hope to wake up very soon. Wake up to chirping birds and spring sun. Blooming flowers and happy people. Happy music. Happy. :)
Goodnight.
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